Worst Day

Listen... When a mom is alive we focus so much on what they aren't doing to meet our needs but they die we want all we can get, even the bad.

Is this just me? I love my mother a lot more now that she's deceased. She was wonderful when she was alive but now... I don't know if there is a word: extraordinary.

This is going to get personal and if anyone gets offended sorry not sorry... I am truly entitled to feel how I feel and all I can tell you is either stop reading or revisit your bible because this is my version of my life...

One of my favorite rappers said Valentine's Day the worst day... nope, it's 3/18

The day I was born. The moment of reflection.

I can't say I've had very many memorable birthdays. The most memorable was just last year. I often wonder about my childhood and why I have so many suppressed memories. I know a lot of people that have so many wonderful memories. Meanwhile, I don't recall. I can recall a lot of events where my feelings were hurt on my birthday. I can recall my parents forgetting. I can recall being on a trip and feeling the normal... you know, I hate my life. The flip side is I can recall planning a girls' night out to celebrate my birthday and having a ball. Let me say that again... planning a girls' night out to celebrate me. I know the importance of being your own biggest fan. I'll admit those nights were always fun, a time where you had to have been there. It's nothing like feeling loved. It's nothing like a person truly knowing you and the things you like and planning something just for you... truth is it doesn't even have to be a birthday. I mean as a woman, this is what I expect from my husband. I'll use simpler terms - dating... think of the times your significant other planned a date night and all you had to do was get dressed. Is it too much for me to expect this treatment from everyone in my life? Especially when I believe I show love. I often wonder maybe that's my mistake. I think I show others I love them but maybe I'm not doing a good job of it... maybe that's why I don't feel they show me love. Truth is loving from your love language is not always enough... the recipient wants to be loved based on their love language.

The do unto others as you want them to do unto you is a bit out of hand... misconstrued.

That saying originated from the Holy Bible.

Luke 6:27-38 The Rules of Charity

and even as you wish men to do to you so also do you to them

In other words stop telling me to NOT expect me from me!!!!

more from this passage... but love your enemies, and do good, and lend, not hoping for any return, and your reward shall be great, and you shall be children of the Most High, for he is kind towards the ungrateful and evil.

Enemy is defined as hostile to someone or something. Have you ever been hostile to a loved one? Well at that moment in time you were their enemy.

I guess this explains why sometimes we give people, family and friends, too many chances to hurt us... the Most High wants us to love our enemies.

I want to believe that when St. Luke wrote these words he had no clue how wicked the world really was... but I can tell you who knew: DAVID! Head on over to Psalms.

I know how much God loves me and what He will do for me... I know God got me whether I'm praying for protection Psalms 91 or for protection Psalms 109.

The love I have for those who hurt me won't even allow me to read Psalms 109 in its entirety.

Truth is, I spare you.

At times I do forget how much God loves me.

I've been depressed for almost a week now. If I truly knew how much God loved me depression would never be on the radar.

Depression: a mood disorder marked by varying degrees of sadness, despair, and loneliness that is typically accompanied by inactivity, guilt, loss of concentration, social withdrawal, sleep disturbances, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.

Have you ever been depressed before? What does that look like to you? Well, here's my current story. I say current because I know depression all too well, for me it comes in waves.

I lost my job in October.

Let me be clear: I've been unemployed several times but this time hit different.

If depressed and happy were a person it would be Tikisha Banks!

As I was saying... back in October I never reacted with tears or a woe is me... I was in shock and I'm sure at times I was like damn I don't have a job. However, I was never full blown depressed.

Until now. The birthdate. The day I was born. The moment of reflection not projection to social media.

Almost 6 months later... 6 months no job.

When this first happened I remember I was in Georgia visiting a friend. It's something about being on vacation, or in my case home away from home and find out you've lost your job. I wonder did I not cry because I wasn't home or did I not cry because at the time I truly was in a better place spiritually... standing on my faith... standing on what God has done for me before.

I was told I was being moved to part-time. Again, part-time employment is typically reduced hours on a weekly basis not we'll email you when we need you... I'm an on call employee! An on call employee that isn't getting too many calls. However, I thought I've been going to school... currently working on my master's degree in divinity so I'll use this opportunity to "step out on faith" and start my spiritual counseling business. The clients I do have I appreciate. The referrals I have received I appreciate. I love doing what I do. I truly do... However, when you have a few weeks with clients then a few more weeks without any and that turns to a month its easily to get discouraged. I've told myself take entrepreneurship classes, find a mentor, blah blah blah...

Have you ever started a business from the ground up? Well, I haven't. I've done fashion styling and sold a few t-shirts here and there but I always had my lucrative mortgage job - so essentially I never had to push my businesses because I had "a real job". Welp, now I have "nothing". I had no clue wait correction I have no clue what to do... I know I know my shit, but how do I get other people to know I know my shit. I'm not social. Hell, I don't even have a car so I can't ride around and drop business cards off at businesses. I don't have a social media following and I really don't want to be a content creator which is pretty much what you need to be if you want to market yourself and/or create a following... allegedly because even social media is tricky...and in the midst of this I started a podcast with a good friend of mine

YouTube.com/@kolorflowconversations

more overthinking begins... if she has over 7000 followers and we can't even get 100 of those people to watch, like, comment, share, or subscribe to our social media pages... what is a girl to do?!?!?!?!?! I have my friends telling me one hour is too long. Can I be loved enough to just play it in your ear while doing household chores? The only friend that I know that watches the show is the friend that I record with... I'd be lying if I didn't say that didn't hurt my feelings. I know a few have watched the first, maybe first two but we are now 11 episodes in... and the ones that are watching I don't know they are watching - why don't I know you're watching??? I think... maybe I'm asking for too much?!?! I get it... it's not for everyone. However, I truly cannot say that those I consider a part of my "soul tribe" have all watched at least 1 episode and that hurts... My friend will tell me about what her sister and friends say (positive and positive - because the "negative" is turned into a positive to help us improve) on a weekly basis and I have nothing... absolutely nothing. Truth is she doesn't even have to tell me, I see their comments on YouTube.

Whew God human nature of me wanting love in the form of support can you take it away?!?!?!?!?

I had a whole ass human because I wanted to feel loved.

Lesson: Love yourself so much that nothing else ever matters.

I sit here and I think I was pregnant at 18 birthed my only child at 19

29 I bought a house, the deed reads Tikisha Banks a single woman

I've never not had a car... 4 Mercedes-Benz and my most recent vehicle was a Range Rover Velar

I have Chanel bags, belts, shoes... red bottoms

My traveling has been limited but I've been to Hawaii twice and out of the country a few times

I've afforded myself a life of "luxury"

You see before I thought life was about working, paying bills, taking care of your loved ones, dressing & riding nice, sprinkle in a few fun events and boom you're living the life. I now know there is so much more to life... it's a thing called living versus going through the motions. There is also a thing called a God given gift. I always knew even without any formal training I was meant for counseling - back in the 90s I attempted to go to college for Psychology and all that got me was debt and no degree. I know without a shadow of a doubt I have that ability to inspire people... whether people want to admit it or not I've inspired them.

Here is when I can get cocky with it - my presence inspires. My existence in your life inspires you.

You've done something based on something I've said... even if it's as simple as pondering your own beliefs based on my thought process.

but

I haven't inspired the person that matters to me the most, me! I've done myself a disservice.

I have/had all this stuff and I still have a mortgage. My house should have been paid off in full, years ago. I've filed bankruptcy not once but twice and present day I have a shit ton debt.

The luxury I've afforded that I have never afforded. Read that again.

The six-figure income was still check to check.

My cousin told me the hardest emotion was regret. I had never thought about that until she said that and baby... I don't know anything worse than regret.

Every

Single

Thing

comes down to regret

when you can't let go of regret it turns into a depressed state of mine

Regret is to feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity.

I regret how I've treated myself. I regret how I've allowed others to treat me.

It took me 47 years to know what love truly meant to me... and what I've learned is every single person sees love differently and most people act from self instead of outside of themselves.

I thought love was waking up going to my desk making no less than $90,000 a year... for the love of money.. all my bills paid... taking care of my loved ones, even if that meant putting myself in more debt.... you know seeing them smile is priceless... buying clothes, purses, and whatever else my heart desired... so on and so forth and in the matter of a less than 10 minute conversation all of the things that represented love in my life were gone. I haven't smiled in a week... who has cared? Certainly, not all of those loved ones and if they have - the way it's shown, the delivery hasn't been delivered, not received by the recipient, me.

Love. I never loved my job but I didn't hate it either. I liked the pay. I liked the hours. I like the fact I didn't have to interact with other humans on a day-to-day basis. I figured I'd work here forever. Sadly, I never even pictured myself retiring. I just thought one day I'd die and that's when it would all be over. I am good at my job. I was never the best. Honestly, I never strived to the best. I've found out where that has gotten me in the past... unemployed. I'll never give a job the best of me. Never.

The motto I need to use in my daily life-everything and everyone doesn't deserve the best of you.

Tikisha you're an adult. You're doing what adults are supposed to do... Am I though?

I always thought I had to work.

2 Thessalonians 3:10 You have to work to eat.

Job means a paid position of regular employment.

Work is an activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

I always thought work meant a job... that verse was about being against idleness, laziness.

Reading my bible everyday... work

Praying over my family and friends everyday... work

Talking and texting my family and friends... work

Recording a podcast... work

Writing poetry... work

Writing in my journal... work

living in an answered prayer

moments like these seem so rare

watching the sunrise

no alibis

no debate

with a supervisor that I hate

what am I a caged animal

with no free time requesting PTO time

Here is where the struggle begins... I love not having a job. This is something I've never felt in my entire life. The times when I was unemployed before I was so focused on the almighty dollar that I just had to get back to the grind. My work ethics are immeasurable. I've work 70 hours in one week. The dedication. The money. The stupidity. It's different now because my son is an adult. He still lives at home but he's an adult. I don't have to worry about supporting him financially. The only thing I need to worry about is me - because regardless if he's living in his childhood home or not it's MY HOUSE. The deed, Tikisha Banks a single woman.

While I'm on the topic of my favorite human, my son. I don't mind writing about my business or even talking to my trusted friends, well... I'm assuming they are trusted. I hope this helps people understand the thoughts of another person... my thoughts... if not it that's fine too because when I hit publish I feel better and again I'm in my crossover Princess Villian Era... this is my healing. I just hope to heal someone else too.

Anyway!

I don't like to be asked any questions about my son - he's always and forever off limits.

The is your son helping you... irrelevant, this my life. I am his mother. I didn't birth him to help me. I love that for parents and I will acknowledge that he does help his mother... However, does a yes to that question lessen that fact that I'm 47 almost 48 with no clue of the direction my life, not his, is going. I like to feel special, shown appreciation but to be taken care of and by my child I might have felt like that years ago and yes it would it be nice, absolutely but my truth is my vision was me building generational wealth to take care of my parents, him and his children's children's.

A legacy.

The problem is I never acted on building the generational wealth so now you've triggered me... regret... rethinking my whole life... failure.

I've been quiet for so long that even those that have known me the longest really don't know me. The unspoken words aren't heard. I hear her voice saying tone death.

I am rethinking everything I've done for everyone in my life.

As the oldest I was raised on some type of weird honor system. The oldest gives until depleted.

It was but you're the oldest... you know better... a lot of us older siblings can say the youngest child was/is allowed to do a lot of things the oldest could never... never even think about doing.

Why does knowing better equal accepting less? Less in return but always giving the most?!?!

Was I raised this way because my mother was the youngest? Was she simply teaching me based on her experiences from her older siblings? This honor system that we are raised on is bigger than our siblings it becomes how we interact with others in our lives as well.

I am angry. I am angry at myself. How did I get here? Again.

It was just 2018 when I was here before... it's only 2024.

It's common for those employed in the mortgage industry to go through these cycles...

However, history repeating itself repeatedly never really prepared me for moments of unemployment.

Failure.

I get frustrated... I isolate. I know you mean well but damn... If I've experienced this before what makes you think telling me about your experience is soothing? I get you don't truly understand something unless you go through it yourself but at the same time I don't...

Again, I hear tone death.

Am I the only empath in my entire circle? I know I'm not but sometimes I am shocked at the amount of selfishness that surrounds me. Wait... my empathy is different, maybe that's what it is. It does something to my soul when I hear "now I understand what you were saying" ok so me saying it, expressing my experience wasn't enough?!?!? Yet, I stand 10 toes down for you... without never experiencing what you've experience. Does a Princess have to tell you the diagnosis is cancer for you to acknowledge her pain or are you even then going to tell me about when you had cancer? Asking for myself. I talk about not having a job and people go into a story about themselves or a 3rd party - neither I care about. Truth is I hate and I mean hate when I hear someone share a sad experience with me... The way my love is set up. I love you enough to hurt for and with you! Now... I'm depressed for me and you... It's too heavy. Why am I like this?!?!?

You see I don't want to hear about a relatable story - you know how many times I've watch God do things for others that he hasn't done for me yet? How many times he's done for me and not others? Why would a person think a relatable story of poverty is helpful?

When I share my pain... it's not to hear what you've gone through. Here enters quiet Tikisha. I can't truly care about you in this moment because this is solely my life. When my mother died... her death affected so many people... I cared about me. It was moments I didn't have the strength to care about my own child who experienced the absolute most traumatic situation that night... I share how I feel but people become so caught up in having a relatable story assuming that "understanding" is going to make you feel better when sometimes all a person, well me... all I want to do it talk and be heard so instead I shut down, I isolate. I'm pretty sure this is why I have never felt heard... people are so quick to make my issue theirs but indirectly because you aren't making it your issue you're making it an opportunity to talk about you. Hell, you may not even look up from your phone when I'm talking but when you're talking it's "are you listening". Oh... wait, let me focus on YOU okay got it. I've sat silently for years listening to "relatable stories" about people I could care less about. Honestly, loved ones included. The truth is for Tikisha when I am dealing with something and deep in my emotions I only care about ME. This is when I become selfish. It's levels to this as well... your story could be very informational, showing me how to use this obstacle to pivot... but most times it's just a comparison of bullshit.

The best thing a person can ever do for another person... is simply ask: How can I help you?

Sadly, I didn't learn this until recently. Thank you friend for teaching me how to be a better person by simply being a good person to me!

The times I've given people relatable stories instead of listening... This is my public apology.

I've failed you. I've failed our relationship.

S P I R I A L I N G

Failure.

I called my father in tears... Daddy, I'm so sorry I'm a failure. I'm so sorry you have to help your daughter at this big ass age with her bills. I've failed myself, my parents, and my son. Fuck!

The only source of income is State of Michigan which isn't infinity money, it's about $1200/month which pretty much covers only my mortgage payment.

Here I am asking my retired father for money - the same man that instilled in me at the tender age of 15: "All you have is you"

15. I've been working since I was 15 years old with the exception of not working my senior year in high school. I've worked my whole life and all I have is stuff, depreciated in value stuff, stuff I don't even use, not even very many life experiences. What is that saying - a pot to piss in and window to throw it out of??? I don't have that... well, barely. Nope, I don't want you to help me find a job.

It's tough when you've taken care of yourself by yourself your whole life to be in situations where you're like damn so what now...

Tikisha, how dumb are you? Please don't answer that: I don't like unsolicited advice at all. It's another reason why I am private... people think they know a lot about me with truly knowing nothing. A lot of times when you tend to share things about yourself people want to "help".

Help looks different to different people.

Just like Olivia Pope... I got this. I don't need words of affirmation... I need cash.

Truth is I never want to work another job in my life. I don't want to "go to work". I want to do work.

Remember work is an activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

Reading my bible everyday... work

Praying over my family and friends everyday... work

Talking and texting my family and friends... work

Recording a podcast... work

Writing poetry... work

Writing in my journal... work

Listening to Future HNDRIXX... work

Studying for my master's degree... work

The result of every single one of those activities are the same my soul is fulfilled, it's happy. I don't need $100,000 a year to be happy. I'm happy being free... I'm happy starting and ending my day when I want. I'm happy being able to watch the sunrise on a random day of the week and crawling back in bed afterwards. I'm happy watching my stray cat come to my house everyday even though I don't feed her. I'm happy feeding the birds. I'm happy watching my groundhog sneak out when he thinks no one is looking... I'm happy but I'm depressed though... because none of my works are generating income. How long can I depend on my retired father? Is it even fair to depend on my retired father? Failure. Girl, you gotta go to work.... Girl, no you don't your Heavenly Father is your ultimate source your earthly father is one of many sources he's using for your to live your life. Just trust Him.

What is my Daddy going to say... what you mean you don't want a job? I've supported you assuming this was to help you get on your feet while the economy is doing whatever it's doing...

Is this about you Tikisha or your Daddy?

Fuck. I don't know. It's about me... me that needs money... Fuck. Failure.

The sermon... you trust when you walk to the car it's still going to be there and it's going to start or something like that... moral every day I trust God for things I don't pray about.

We record the podcast on Thursdays. I don't talk to Uakeisha every day. She doesn't even text I'm on my way. We committed to a particular time, and she shows up at that time every week. I trust she's going to show up on time. I get up and I get ready like clockwork...

Sis, you trust Uakeisha but not the Most High? Please make it make sense! Jamal Bryant said something 2/11/2024 and it stuck with me... God delivers unasked prayers. Genesis 2:18 proves God gave Adam Eve, she was something he never asked for but God felt it was not good that the man is alone so he said I will make him a helper like himself. A helper is a person who helps someone else. My earthly father may have said all you have is you but my Heavenly Father said he'll give me a helper... and right now my earthly father is one of those helpers in spite of several times in the past where he didn't help me at all financially.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Social Disorders

vs 10 Woe to the solitary man! For if he should fall, he has no one to lift him up.

Baby, this week I've never felt more alone in my life...

I've been sick all week physically and mentally.

I was sick, a common cold. There is no cure for a common cold. Nope, I don't want medicine. I can handle pain. Truth is I'm in pain most days, that I've become numb to pain... what more is a cough, sore throat, headache, stomachache, or vomit to a player? Nothing!

I went from excited about my birthday. I was hoping it was going to surpass last year. However, that was revealed rather quickly that last year may have just been "the one" for the books.

I had a little moment with one of my closest friends. I told her I don't want any gifts... her relatable story annoyed me... meanwhile her gift brought tears to my eyes... Lavendar roses.

How'd she know? Lavendar... Baby Lav, my future daughter's name.

A cake... while I'm not a cake eater the thoughtfulness... and it's casino themed, I think of my mother... I see 777... I think of me... angel numbers.

Just the day before... I was asleep and a gift was presented to me... I love my sleep, but it's fine... she said I realize I love giving gifts, that annoyed me... I already knew that I've seen the gifts you've given others so now I'm like is this even about me or is it for your ego... am I overthinking... is this an act of a narc... I try to get out of my head... I'm fucking exhausted... The gift while beautiful was another trigger, a crystal wand for self-power... damn Kish you really are a failure.

I don't move out of my bed. I lay there still... I wallow in my pity.

Truth is I did feel extremely special not having to say what I wanted and just receiving... depression will have you not giving a fuck about things you give a fuck about. Read that again.

Depression will have you not giving a fuck about things you give a fuck about.

Depression is a thief.

I hear relax... It's time for those you've poured into to pour into you... I have a Big Gulp though I think they see me with a small cup... breadcrumbs when I want whole pan of dressing.

I hear your broke ain't normal people broke... yeah, it's worse because I've mishandled my fortune... with others, with myself... the conflict... is it better to give than receive...

Tikisha stop listening... I hear personality disorder... voices in your head... they gonna commit you

I have to stop. I am going insane. It's like everything is a fucking trigger.

What is happening to me? Is it a bible verse for this?

Fuck... it's 11:11 pm. I gotta go....

I planned to take a trip to New Orleans.

I leave at 1:11 March 17th (tomorrow) and fly home at 1:23 on March 20th. It was meant to be, right? The angel numbers and all...

I don't care about New Orleans... but I kinda do... I want to visit my aunt.

Nicki Minaj will be in concert on my birthday... another trigger. How can I catch a flight? Ok, it's paid for... let that go but buy a concert ticket with no fixed income? I can't rob Peter to pay Paul because Peter and Paul are both currently unavailable. I took a flight to Vegas on a hope and a prayer... why not do it again? It is hitting different now... back in November I was full of hope.

Truth is the emotion I feel currently is scared and alone.

Daddy said never call yourself a failure again.

Tikisha you know words are spells. You have enough people speaking negatively over you so what you're not going to do is speak negatively over your own life!

I told my friend just yesterday and I'm sure I've told a client this before...

I truly believe God stops giving you chances.

Lord knows I don't want to run out of chances!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think of my mother.

a mother's love

can at times feel like it was sent directly from the heaven's above

sometimes it's love she's never received

most times it's not how it's perceived

there are many levels surrounding being a mother

you assume she's a natural born lover

never knowing how she suffered from the hands of her own brother

how she was a cutter or teased for her stutter

the trauma makes her tougher

but the truth is she just never truly recovered

all you want to do is hug her but you know she doesn't want you to touch her

the older you get the more you uncover, discover

this lady really did come up out the gutter

she did the best she could

something you never understood

because the best to you was never enough

a mother's love is rarely returned

but always yearned

what I learned and it raised a lot of concern

What exactly is a mother? A female parent.

According to Merriam-Webster in addition to being a female parent a mother is a woman in authority.

I ask Google the characteristics of a mother:

• A mother is a protector, disciplinarian, and friend.

• A mother is selfless and loving, and sacrifices many of their wants and needs for the wants and needs of their children.

• A mother is a role model for her kids and is always their first love.

• A mother is patient, respectful, strong, humble, empathetic, authoritative, supportive, and loving.

• A mother is committed to providing emotional and physical support to her child.

These characteristics... protector, friend, selfless, loving, sacrifice, patient, strong, empathetic, supportive, loving... are all undeniably me. I didn't see financial support, so let me add that now.

Podcast: Hardly Initiated Part 352

Dr. Spirit said the quality of a mother's happiness is the #1 indicator for how children grow up to thrive...

I thought about this long and hard

I had a depressed mother

My son has a depressed mother

As a child I remember functioning at times like a mother for not only my younger sister but for my mother

It is time, overdue to break the depression cycle

I've been a mother to my friends

I've been a mother to my friends' children

I've been a mother to my cousins

I've been a mother to my nieces

Here is where my struggle love lies... I've overstepped. I've played the role as a mother to far too many people. I'm expecting high level love from far too many people.

expectations breed complications

situations obligations frustrations

hesitations tribulations

explanations breed high vibrations

explorations invitations celebrations

revelations destinations

I ask myself do you truly trust Him, the Most High God?

I do. This time my eyes are wide open. What did Issa say - It's me season... and I can tell you right now, everybody will not be jumping on the jet with me. Disrespectfully. No bars.

Will I be getting on Soul Plane tomorrow? Well, that's still to be determined.

Back to the basics.

What do I want? Future HNDRXX and I Never Liked You Albums. A gift card to Target or somewhere anywhere that sales linen. However, what I want the most is a peace of mind.

The struggle of the seer not being able to seer for herself.