What exactly am I waiting for?

August 26, 1979

3rd generation. 3 year old me.

Today I woke up looking at life differently.

Yesterday I pulled out my maternal grandparents’ obituaries and looked at their dates of death.

My mother passed at 61.

Her mother passed at 67.

I am 50.

For the first time, those weren’t just dates on paper. They felt like a mirror.

Earth has never been my favorite place, maybe that’s because I haven’t been living the life I truly want to live.

I’ve asked this question over and over again:

Can you create the life you want to live?

I’ve made so many uneducated decisions. I’ve lived my life not with regret, but with something worse… stagnation.

Rumination.

Replaying every mistake.

Revisiting every wrong turn.

Analyzing every decision.

Wondering how different life might have been if I had known then what I know now?!?!

This week I’ve seen the same question several times: “What are you afraid of?”

Death?

We’re all going to die.

Bankruptcy?

You can make it all back.

Shame?

Most people forget by next week.

Rejection?

Everyone experiences it.

Failure?

It’s part of the path.

Judgment?

They’ll judge anyway.

Losing people?

Not everyone is meant to stay.

Making mistakes?

You’ll survive them.

Taking risks?

Regret hurts more.

So if more than half of my life may already be behind me…

What exactly am I waiting for?

Why am I still giving my past permission to dictate my future?

Life may be understood by looking backward, yet creation seems to happen from the future calling us forward.

What if the future is remembering backward?

Maybe the better question isn’t:

“Can you create the life you want to live?”

Maybe it’s:

“What happens if you finally stop creating your life around the mistakes you’ve already made?”

What if the life I want already exists as a possibility waiting for me to become the version of myself who can recognize it?

As a spiritual person… an omnist, I believe energy never dies.

I believe it and I see it.

I believe there’s nothing wrong with praying to the Most High, speaking to my mother in spirit, pulling Oracle cards, trusting my intuition, finding God in places others overlook, or leaving offerings in nature as an act of gratitude and connection.

I believe there is more to this existence than what we can see.

Maybe the real issue was never the mistakes.

Maybe it was my inability to stop identifying with the person who made them.

Then it hit me...

The woman who made those decisions no longer exists, yet I've been allowing her to shape the way I see myself today.

Perhaps the life I’m trying to create begins the moment I stop identifying with who I was and fully embrace who I am.

Maybe that’s why I’ve felt stuck.

Part of me has been living in the past while another part has been trying to create a new future.

You can’t walk in two directions at once.

Maybe creating the life I want isn’t about becoming someone new.

Maybe it’s about fully accepting who I am now and allowing that person to lead the way.

Isaiah 43:18-19:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

My mother had 61 years.

My grandmother had 67.

I don’t know how many I have. What I do know is that I’ve spent enough of them living in yesterday….

No matter how much time I have left, today is the day the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.

To be continued.