The Price

Dear God,

I'm scared. I can't lose my house. I don't have any money. I can't take this anymore.

Take Me.

Save Me.

Suicide Awareness call or text 988

CDC.gov

Suicide rates increased approximately 36% between 2000–2022. Suicide was responsible for 49,476 deaths in 2022, which is about one death every 11 minutes. The number of people who think about or attempt suicide is even higher. In 2022, an estimated 13.2 million American adults seriously thought about suicide, 3.8 million planned a suicide attempt, and 1.6 million attempted suicide.

I have no words that can express the amount of compassion I have for those who've ever had thoughts of suicide, attempted suicide, committed suicide, and/or loss a loved one from suicide.

All stories are not the same... this is mine, the thoughts in my head... behind closed doors.

Secrets.

Skeletons.

Why do we leave the skeletons in the closet?

I am statistic - black, uneducated, single, depressed.

I've always shared my struggles with my mental health.

When I think of what I lack... When I think of what's wrong with my life... I say God take me.

I don't have the courage to live. I don't have the courage to not live. ...until I did... until I do.

One Day One Moment At A Time

4/25/24 The screenshot - verbatim "I just don't have the courage to end it all."

I pray for those of us that understand that statement.

I said that. I really did say that. I really did use the word courage...

I was so deep in my depression that I thought taking my own life required courage not even realizing that living my own life requires courage as well.

Courage: having the mental or moral strength to withstand danger

Coward: one who shows disgraceful fear or timidity

Brave: having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty

It's 2024 and my mother has been gone from the physical realm for almost 7 years. I think to myself I am living without my mother, using living loosely. The hurt I feel without having her here is not something that I would wish on another person. Yet, I am speaking death into my life which results in death in my son's life. I can't leave my son behind... not like this.

I will always be an advocate for mental health.

I will always be an advocate for being a better person.

I will always be an advocate for love.

I am aware with love comes hate.

One day I stopped making my problems greater than my worship.

I saw the love I was surrounded by. The love for my child. The love of my friends and family. The love of animals. The love of nature. The love of life.

I thought about how I felt alone - I thought about how I loved being alone. I thought about how I wanted to feel included - I thought about how I to be excluded.

I think of the saying "what God has for you is for you"

Imagine not knowing what you want but trusting that God knows what you need... I trust His plans for my life. I'm scared because I am worried about tomorrow when I should focus on the now.

Psalm 23.

The best self-care is surrounding yourself with people that make you feel safe and loved.

I believe in relatives, friends, family, and soul tribes.

We are born related to other people. We live life making friends along the way.

We develop relationships, family. We live life creating our very own soul tribe.

At times, The Most High God removes... simple mathematics, addition & subtraction.

I am spirit-led and divinely protected.

I am worthy.

I communicate my needs.

I've learned the difference between gossiping and processing... I've learned everything isn't a conversation, people are not conversations, hurt is... I am learning hurt is the topic of conversation, not people... I am learning to address others privately... I am learning new perspectives... I am learning to not take things personal... I am learning how to move silently... I'm learning to choose wisely... I'm learning to not jump to conclusions... I am learning to not assume... I am allowing The Most High God to reveal to me who is for me and who is not...

I'm a broken crayon that still colors.

We are all just boys and girls.

Allow yourself and others grace...

Kash Kommandment #4 Today she call you sis tomorrow she ya enemy.

Good.

Evil.

The memories last a very long time.

The memories of me remain with others.

I am no longer the person they remember.

I matured just this morning.

I may still be evil in their mind.

Truth is... I am, still evil. We all are... nobody's perfect.

The memories last a very long time.

Memories.

Emotions.

In the past I've allowed memories to control my emotions which affects my decision making.

It's time I grow up.

Memories fad... ...battling secrets, memories never told to a soul

Let shit go... ...allow others grace.

Healing, not healed

Bruised, it hurts

I hear feuds are about pain not hate.

Talking.

Silence.

Love. Back Stabbing. Malicious intent ...doesn't know any better, literally

Grace.

I hear just like you get up and get dressed everyday - you pick out your clothes.

Routine.

It is time to do your mind the same way - dress it with positivity.

Gratefulness.

I read... naturally, the body will reject what it needs to reject.

Caroline Myss said intuition makes you feel uncomfortable, fantasy doesn't.

I wonder, does fantasy drive your intuition?

The definition of fantasy is the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need.

I only see "the power".

I call my power back.

I think of allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the things that started with a dream.

A dream, fantasy... simple terminology.

BELIEVE IT TO SEE IT

Am I crazy for thinking fantasy can create reality through intuition???

What do you fantasize about? What do you want?

Intuition.

The Most High God gave us power, called the tongue. I will speak life over and into my life and others. I am dreaming... fantasizing... all that but more importantly I am in direct connection with The Most High God, the Holy Spirit. Spirit-Led.

I am using my intuition or I should say recognizing my intuition.

It's what I like to call the first mind. The mind that is not excessively thinking fixated on what can go wrong vs following the mind that calmly gave direction.

The call to follow Jesus, Matthew 4:18-20

Direction - Duties - Desires - Destiny

I remember thinking I didn't understand that sermon. I still don't know if I understand the message he was trying to deliver while preaching. I do know now in this moment - I get it, for me.

In my notes I wrote -

never asked where we were going, trust

never asked what for or why, trust

never asked Jesus who he was, trust

Follow Jesus.

Path.

Who do I trust the most? Myself.

I have my best interest at heart. ...finally, I didn't always put me first. I didn't always know it was okay to put yourself first, as simple as that is... make decisions that you won't regret.

I’ll never forget saying I don’t have a choice and she told me you do… I’ve done so many things and said well I don’t have a choice. I chose. I just may not have chosen the correct option, hindering my growth.

Pause.

Who else do you trust?

Who can you talk to? Who’s in alignment?

Listen.

Have you ever told somebody something and didn't know why?

Well, I was having a talk about my finances with my friend. I was facing a big decision.

The truth is, I still am. I am just in a better mental space. I don’t have consistent income coming in but I’m not going to cry, lay in bed all day, eat, not eat… what will that change?!?? I will focus on the now and prepare for the future as best as I can. I can't cry over the past, it's not real, it's over, it's done!

April 2024

My friend told me wait 30 days. She paused. Hesitation. I don't know if I've written about this before but she said 30 days three times. She also mentioned several times I don't know why but 30 days... sometimes the person delivering the message truly doesn't know why... they don't know why they are led to say the things they are saying.

I as an encourager am spirit-led by The Most High God who gives me the words the say.

I as an encourager am spirit-led by The Most High God who gives words to others to say to me.

I think being hesitant is a reflection of being uncomfortable. I think we've been conditioned to believe that being uncomfortable is always painful which puts us ok me in a negative mindset.

I have had so many times when I've been uncomfortable but based on the circumstance it was me surrendering to the circumstance, allowing the circumstance to run my brain waves… leading to falling deeper in the sunken place… which sinks so deep it becomes a sink hole.

I think if I had budgeted my money better I wouldn’t be worried about money… regret, the past. Stop!

Dig yourself out of the hole!

The tool used my tongue.

I speak life. Gratitude.

I don’t want to hear it could be worse. I know that. Actually, I am living in my worse right now.

However

I’m more than my circumstances.

Uncomfortable to be comfortable…

I know better so I do better TODAY

I woke up and so did those I love

I have love

I have shelter

I have food

I even went and bought bird food. I love Animal Kingdom, so I fed the animals.

Bad decisions or is money an energy that flows through me?

All my basic needs are met, but my wants aren’t

Grow up!

I release financial scarcity.

New Moon. New intentions. New beginnings.

Discernment.

Signs & Synchronicities: Three

I remember the saying about "coming in threes"

When you believe the signs & synchronicities you are in alignment with your spirit-led path.

Fantasy. It's okay to dream. It’s ok to not know what’s next. It’s ok let go and let God. It’s ok.

It's so hard, but I have to give it a try. I have to do this for myself, the functioning depressed girl who is working to becoming the functioning girl or better yet

Becoming Tikisha

Truth be told, how you write your story is on YOU... just know, light irritates demons.

When you use your power to change yourself and finally feel understood by yourself for yourself you glow, you light up, you radiate.

Peace

Alignment

Soul Tribe

I remember hearing this about birds... males' perseverance while females have no patience.

I know my worth.

Patience.

I’m actually proud of my growth. The fact I can see changes in myself, for the better keeps me aiming to be the best me for me and I know sometimes I’m gonna “get it wrong” but I also know I can make my wrongs right… I also know it’s ok to be the villain in somebody else’s story...

attention to detail

The devil's in the detail.

The devil’s in the detail.

The devil’s in the detail.

Are you as detailed in your own life as you are in others?

Who are you judging?

I heard you can be a ray of sunshine and people will still hate you because they are used to the rain.

Have you ever seen the rain and the sun shine bright at the same time? I have. I see her in the mirror.

I didn’t write the date I started writing this blog post but I’m ending it on 05/06/2024.

The random thoughts in my head appear here... royal, blue, purple, eyes, gold, sunset, bride, child support

no soul