Happy or Autopilot?

Why do I write

to put my pain out of sight

It's Monday July 15,2024 and I'm tired as shit but it was on my spirit to write but because I didn't move when I was told to move I'm afraid I won't have the words to say

or say the words I needed to say

the thoughts in my head were so good too

now I wish I had moved when instructed

Always me: I forgot what I was saying

When God tells you to move do you move?

What does God's voice sound like ...to me, it's my own voice but it's more of a no-nonsense voice

whereas I even wonder if it's a voice at all

it's just a knowing of what I need to do

but also knowing the next step is all up to me

and knowing there will be repercussions when I don't do as I'm told

I had a conversation with my sister and I remember telling her my belief that's an unpopular opinion... we are the devils

well I didn't say that but it's in my head now

we make these choices and say "that's that ole devil"

just maybe the devil is in the action, not the temptation

Lead us not into temptation.

This shit ain't all love and light.

I'm an evil bitch. I'm also loving to the core of my soul.

I give. I act. I do. ...naturally, lovingly, effortlessly, stupidly

but when I feel as if I've been used, abused, taken advantage of... I hurt... that hurt signals the evil bitch that wants you to hurt like I hurt, worse than I hurt, I want my pain to bleed out of you and free me, free me from the hurt you cause

or the hurt I allowed myself to feel

because why was I hurt to begin with - what hurt me? me or you... more than likely me

for expecting you to be me when you already showed me who you were, you

Discernment.

I don't chase I attract

I ask myself, what do I want to attract

Love with pure intentions. Protection. Togetherness. One. Abundance. Prosperity.

Psalm 118

Choices.

Temptation.

The devil is in the action.

What I said to her hurt her and she reacted by

doing something I've never seen her do before... now I understand.

I have to correct this mess I've made.

I've lost my covering, my protection... in a moment of confusion.

Clarity. ...I pray it's not too late.

then I wonder if I'm making all this shit up

is life even real

is this all a damn dream

jumping timelines and shit

feeding my brain way too much information

silent days

I remember the time this all happened 4:34pm -

John 4:34 says: "My food" said Jesus "is to do the will of him who sent me to finish his work"

I ponder what this message means to me

my food, my nutrition, what I need to survive to live

is to do the will of him

who sent me to finish his work

Random: My tarot card of the day was Ace of Swords. Actually, I was doing a spread I had seen on TikTok which required seeing where the Ace of Swords was in the deck... what was in front and behind. Well, leave it to the kid for the Ace of Swords to be the last card in the deck.

left card blockages - Ace of Swords - right card next inspiration

the entire deck to the left of me, temperance reversed on the top... the left card, blockages

Am I unbalanced? I didn't think about any of this earlier but now my mind is on GO

I don't feel out of balance, but truth is maybe I do... I am tired but here I am typing. I've been stressing about my house being a mess while making 0 efforts to improve the situation... I didn't get up this morning and have my prayer time, I missed my morning prayer time at least once every week and that was not my normal - flashback to talking about being disciplined and routine... my mind wanders even more "is it the devil?" is someone preying on my fall from grace... monitoring spirits...

I think if I'm in charge of my life can what another person says truly effect/affect mine?

My life. My consequences. Right? My relationship with God is what matters, right?

I am an adult after all... who do adults blame when they make mistakes? Other adults. The devil.

It's all behind me or am I full of blockages ...life on autopilot

Death and Life are in the power of the tongue.

Seriously, my mind is blank well not really, it's never blank but I lost focus too many thoughts now

I am writing out of order and it always amazes me how I do this - my mind goes blank so I go back to reread then I start typing my thoughts again and never really reread I just add on until I have nothing to say and publish with Lord knows how many mistakes, typos.

Today I made it to MuslimTikTok and this stuck with me -

it talked about double reward for stuttering while reading the Quran

when you do a good deed it's written down right away but when you commit a sin the angels wait 6 hours for us to repent

if we are in distress or stressed and commit a sin, Allah removes it for us

there is one angel in front of you and another behind you to protect you

when you pray alone, you're not really along because on both side of your prayer mate are angels

being judged for your prayer ritual

and don't be one of those who forget their Lord when showered with blessings

I really am trying to become a better person.

Openminded but not naïve. Forgiving and establishing boundaries.

Understanding but gullible. ...shit, intelligent and fun.

I am afraid of godly consequences for acting in devilish natures.

I want to laugh again.

Damn I didn't read my Proverbs for today. I say as if it's too late... I know it's not but I also know I'm not reading that ish tonight. I think girl... you cuss too much and repent yourself out of hell immediately.

I may be too transparent.

I think of the podcast over the last two weeks and how with the 4th of July being the most recent holiday and maybe even the most popular summertime holiday is there even any other "holidays" in the summer?!?!?! anyway I think about family

and how I never had really thought about that before

I don't have any cousins in my age group growing up

and if I did they weren't, aren't a part of my life

so my friends have become those cousins, my family

but my friends

well they have family

and me well I have family too but the dynamics are different when none of them are your age

now I don't know if it's so much the mothering role or the role of a teacher

either way for the most part my role was, is only to help

not for basic enjoyment, companionship and when I can't provide help I'm no longer needed

I start to wonder if I've been raised for this role my entire life

the role of solitude, isolation

because I've mastered this shit and I love it so much that it's becoming hard for me to socialize, especially in a group setting

where 2 or more are gathered, sounds well... terrifying but also like an answered prayer

the right connections

Family. Soul Tribe.

When you think of your childhood memories - how do you feel?

Happy

Sad

What is happy? Are you happy in your life right now?

Are you happy every day? Is daily happiness obtainable?

Is happiness having a career and the material things that come along with having a career (house, car)? Is happiness having a family?

What is happiness? It is temporary? Is it ongoing? Is it attainable especially in a world of the world wide web... humph, the WWW

spider, web, caught, captive, eaten, death, escape, free

world wide web

this is all a fucking web

I am not happy I am content - content no matter the circumstance. I've always wanted to be able to relate to that bible verse, more so during hardships because it's hard to be content in the midst of a hardship - or is it?

because if your mind is stayed on The Most High God can you ever not be content?

asking for myself...

I've had happy moments even a few days maybe weeks never months... I don't recall.

I've never had a period of time in my life where I was happy every single day non-stop constantly without a shadow of a doubt... nope, I don't recall.

I ask myself, what does happiness look like?

Define happiness - the state of being happy

Define happy - feeling or showing pleasure or contentment

Contentment.

I guess I am happy...

Contentment. ...and then I look this word up and realize a whole new meaning of being content no matter the circumstance and how much work I have left to do, praying I have enough life left to live to be well

Happy.

Can being alive, living on the face of this earth, be everything I've ever wanted?

My happiness meant being free until I found out happy meant contentment.

what is living... fancy clothes, shoes, jewelry, vacations

or having a peace of mind

why does it have to be limited because

I WANT IT ALL!

cake, icing, ice cream without the stomachache that comes

why is there always a damn stomachache?

they call me delusional

but as a child I was taught I could do anything be anything

at what point did anything attach to restrictions

they tell me it's a fairytale

but it was fairytales that I read as a child

they tell me to be creative, use my imagination

even gave me barbie dolls to play with

but when I aim for my very own dream house and corvette

I'm materialistic

remember baby alive

she taught me how to become a mother before I was wife

If I'm delusional for wanting to make a living doing things I love, being surrounded by love, marrying the man of my dreams, having a chef, sitting out in my flower garden writing poetry during the day, standing on my balcony overlooking the water at night, watching my son raise his family, then so be it... because once upon a time all I ever had were my delusions, my imagination.