Didn't know or Diagnosis
- Tikisha
- Feb 28, 2024
- 18 min read
Updated: Mar 8, 2024
Today, 2/26/2024
I hear... Watch your words. I would rather die... There are signs everywhere. Own your truth.
It's very important to go slow... They say the devil brings confusion. I have a theory about "the devil" but I will save that for later. Once your intuition tells you do to something and instead of moving instantly you hesitate a bit or there is some delay in your response/reply/action = confusion. This is the sign to wait.
I started watching Manifest all over again from Season 1.
I hear what if the voices are bad, we can't just follow them blindly ...I don't think we have a choice.
I don't think I have a choice.
Happy Wife Happy Life
The Book of Queen Esther
Chapter 1 Queen Vashti did not go to the king. The Christian Standard Bible states the noble women who hear about the queen's actions (gossip) will say the same thing to the king's officials (followers) which results in more contempt and fury.
The queen's action disturbed the entire kingdom and because of her power others followed her and behaved the same way.
Power. Who has power over you? Who's your god?
Listen, Esther along with the other virgins were being groomed for a year... beauty treatments for 6 months and perfumes for another 6 months. Ok, I gotta get up and get my grandmother's bible - 6 months they were anointed with oil of myrrh and perfumes and sweet spices for another 6 months. Here is the pick me energy that we have... it starts with us all going after the same man, hoping that he chooses us. When Esther went to the king she did not ask for anything but what Hegai the king's eunuch (guard) suggested.
We, women, don't like to listen... stay quiet, listen and follow directions. Esther won more favor and approval from the king more than any of the others.
You woke up one day and was her (here) on what they call planet Earth... you don't even know what one day you woke up on... you're told that, it's not from memory.
The importance of having wise council. We can't believe everybody.
I hear there shall be no other gods before me.
Keep practicing your end game.
I'm reading Esther Chapter 9 now and it states in verse 21 - 14th and 15th day of the month Adar are holy days which should be celebrated because they are the days the Jews revenged themselves of their enemies and their mourning was turned into joy.
February 14-15
According to Google Purim is celebrated in Queen Esther's honor on March 23-24
I hear when the sun & moon comes together nothing can stop up (us).
You know what I find interesting about Queen Esther's reign - she didn't seek council of women.
I think of Ruth.
Today is 2/28/2024.
I got a text saying love and hugs to you on this special day. I hope your day is filled with some beautiful signs from above. I had no clue what she was talking about. Then I remembered my mother's birthday - 2/29/1956. Today is just 2/28 the day we would typically celebrate my mother's birth - my present from God... my mother and today.
Morning time...
I saw a TikTok about a lady practicing witchcraft... I go to Instagram it was 4 days ago I posted a picture of my mother's signature in her dictionary and the definition of witchcraft. The magic power of a witch and slightly above the word witchcraft is witch - a woman who is imagined to have magic power with the help of the devil. This lady (from the TikTok I watched) said headquarters of hell. I'm uncomfortable even writing about this...
This lady is in so much pain - the same pain she wanted others the feel.
I think about the return to sender vs harm to none.
She said the lady pastor told her "it's done" - her rehab was church.
She talked about the alcohol Cisco - the first time I tried that was in high school... the Lutheran high school. The first time I had marijuana was in high school... the public high school.
She says.... a bad seed was planted in her at the age of 12 or 13 through marijuana.
She says.... when she told God she wanted to die & cursed God for the death of the child her life started going down.
She says... I left God, God never left me.
I left God, God never left me.
She says... there are a lot of things I want to be delivered from but in God's timing because when it's God's timing it doesn't come back.
I will write that again. When you are delivered from whatever it may be in God's timing it doesn't return.
She reveals to us she has lupus. I think of my mother, my leap year baby.
The prescribed drugs... reactivation... paid
She talks about her mental illness diagnosis. I think of the young lady that told me I had multiple personalities.
She says stop repeating what the doctor says... one more time. I hit pause. I see 55. I have 3 minutes left. The last time I paused it was at 41:41. Signs & Synchronicities. Damn, I spelled that wright - right. I can spell and type synchronicities but not right - somebody needs to go back and read my 2010 Just Wright entry (maybe somebody is me).
This video has been on YouTube for 1 year. I planned on watching the entire video, but I didn't know when because honestly I thought the TikTok clip was enough for me to know how important it is to set intentions with everything you do... I reposted the video on my TikTok page yesterday and today somebody sent me a text with the link. Signs & Synchronicities.
I watched the entire video and you should too...
I think of voices in my head. However, it's only 1 voice. Mine, Tikisha's... or is it?
I called the voice intuition earlier... I think more and more...
#3 Lord, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit
#3 Lord, Tikisha, Intuition
The ending of this video reminded, no comforted me - I am sane. God talks directly to me.
Tikisha. A goddess. The High Priestess.
My mother's birthday is approaching quickly. We are less than 24 hours away.
Flashback
My mother said calmly. I know what to do. I talked to the doctor's today, I know what to do.
I never asked her what the doctor said or what you (she) had to do.
I can never say why I responded the say (way) I did that day but I said nothing, absolutely nothing.
Did I know? I remember talking to a friend of mine (present day co-host on Kolorflow Conversations) about being "okay" if my mother died. I knew. I relive that night which might have even been the same night my memory won't let me see this clearly - but if I could turn back the hand of time for just one night I would have done things differently! I can't go back in time.
I have to face the now - the now with a deceased mother.
The now - now I am in tears
The year 2020.
The first time I had COVID-19 was in April 23, 2021 - I don't remember this, I looked it up in my chart. I'm scrolling my phone trying to bring back 2020 memories. I see a photo from October 19, 2018 of the house I grew up in... We moved in 1991. I started a new high school in 1991. This was a pivotal moment for me... I was being bullied at my high school but I still didn't want to leave it... This girl swore I told her secret but little did she know I hasn't told her secret, the guy she held the secret with told her secret. I spent my entire life keeping secrets. If she was truly my friend, she would have believe me - but she didn't. I remember walking down the hall and her throwing candy at me. I did nothing. I kept walking. I have been told so many times in my life that I was mean, more specifically a bitch but I was just this little girl walking in the hallway wishing somebody would save me - until I started saving myself. I failed at saving myself so many times because I was still trying to save others, hoping they'd save me in return.
The one person I wanted to save - I couldn't. Me? Nope... still not even thinking about me.
I couldn't save my mother. I prayed. I begged God. He still took her.
No more chances.
I guess this is why we've never heard third chances only second.
The first time I begged God I was on the floor in my room... asking God to save my mother. Wait was this the first time? I think now... maybe 3rd was just the strike and you're out...
I talked to my mother every single day. I worried about her. I think at times I thought she was weak, not realizing she was the strongest woman I knew - I felt like I had to take care of her. The little girl who lost her mother at a young age... who was divorced... who had family I didn't trust. That is how I saw her... I no longer see her from those eyes. She was this woman of strength.
No mother. No husband. Jealous family members. Strength. She was destiny's child, a survivor.
Flashback
This particular day she didn't answer the phone. At the time I didn't know what "something told me" was but now I know it was God - He sent me to save her life. 911
My mother in her apartment alone found unconscious, I found her ...I hear my sister saying she was mad at me for not staying overnight the hospital the year our mother passed away but it was the same Tikisha who had once saved her mother a few years prior
My mother passed out at work... I left work without thinking twice... visiting her at the hospital
My mother spent countless days in and out of the hospital and at doctor's appointments... I have never missed seeing my mother at the hospital each and every time she was admitted
I wonder why fact make people uncomfortable?
My mother who passed away in August... I can't even remember the date. WTF
August 7th no August 6, 2017 I really did have to look up the date my mother passed away
It's because I miss her in the physical realm but I know she's alive in the spirt realm
I still miss her. I cry. Why does she not talk to me? Souls never die...
Ma, are you mad at me? This is the only question I have. I don't care about the future... I care about the past. The same past that I've convinced myself isn't real. Ok truth is I care about both... I am just a little girl who wants some guidance from her mother.
God send me a sign. Let me know she's not mad. She's on my spirit team...
No, the question is did she die loving me?
Random? Coincidences. Racoon. Proverbs 22:17-20 - Word of the Wise
I grab my bible to look up the verses my cousin sent me... but I open Proverbs 17:17
He who is a friend is always a friend, and a brother is born for the time of stress.
Who do you call on when you are stressed? Who's your friend?
Now I turn to Proverbs 22:17-20 - Saying of the wise... I see the word THIRTY
It's 1:22pm. I hear a know - knock which was after my phone dinged.
I read the text message "Angels are so real and we just have to keep going"
Tikisha keep going... I lose my train of thought.
The lady (from TikTok, You Tube) said she asked God to die.
I asked God to die. I attempted to kill Tikisha.
I watched my son almost die.
Death.
Transformation.
I think of the number 6. It was 6 years before I began to feel "better" about my mother's passing. I remember crying every day. I can chuckle now remembering my friend telling me I cry so much I was going to dehydrate. I look up the #6 and it says - paying too much attention to the superficial. Your angles (angels) guide you to focus on the intangibles you have in your life - love, friendship, character qualities of self - and to give them a moment of appreciation.
I feel overwhelmed. I ignore my text messages. I read the sentence from the angel numbers book again - only love lasts eternally. I wish I had someone to talk to... Esther has her cousin Mordecai - the cousins I was close to always a 3rd party that tried to intervene causing rift... Ruth had Naomi... it's in this moment I realize I've never had a constant in my life. My parents weren't even constants in my life. I guess this is why I love my son so hard. I want him to always know I am his constant, no matter what. My first born. My first act of unconditional love.
Love, something I hadn't even shown to myself.
As I navigate life. I remember as always what my father told me in the fall of 1991 - all you have is yourself. Fall hits me as fall, not standing - not fall, autumn.
1991 the fall, the downward moment
Our lives changed when we moved that year...
I am falling thinking I can save everyone ELSE. I can't even save myself.
My Lord and Savior. He reminds me of his role in my life, as SAVIOR.
No job. No car. He still provides.
I was made in the image of God... in the image, not God.
Trust him. He knows you know the word... work and eating go hand in hand.
PSALM 27:10 NKJ 10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.
HEBREWS 13:5 NKJ 5 Let your conduct be without covetousness, and be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
it was when my mama died
that my life turned upside down
I felt like I was going to drown
but I knew I had to keep going knowing
things would never be the same
the heartache the pain
was I going insane
they told me time would heal
but the way I feel
it seems surreal
it isn’t a dream
I just want to scream
1967 days later
me the human calculator
the narrator
more like a perpetrator
one breath from a defibrillator
Flashback
2016-2021
5 years #5 change , growth
After 5 years I finally walked away from a situationship. I knew the first moment I met this man that he was Trouble. We didn't exchange numbers on our first encounter. It was the second. I even saved him in my phone as Trouble. We graduated from Trouble to Baby Boo Bae, but trust - truth is he was always Trouble. There was nothing about our situation that was beneficial for me... I think about the lies.
I think about how we met... I think about his behavior... both days... I think about how I still didn't ike (love) Tikisha.
I wonder how/why my friends would encourage me to talk to this man, if they didn't know his character then for sure their mutual friends did... did their mutual friends share info about his traits... I think about how my one friend told me what his mutual friend said about him early one (on) = stay away... I remember being in Georgia when she told me actually I was in Georgia visiting a family member and we drove to New Orleans I was in New Orleans leaving a Lions game (they won)... I deactivated my Facebook page or I'd go look for the specific year but it had to be 2016 before my mother passed away... so the same year I met this man... she told me about his girlfriend but he told me about her already, so it's okay right?
I think about how my homeboy told me = stay away... Signs & Synchronicities ...ignored
Most importantly, I think about what I told myself = stay away.
I didn't. I stayed. I stayed as a tool. A tool is a device used to carry out a particular function. The key word in the definition of tool is "use". I allowed myself to be used... off and on for years.
I remember the notification on my phone when quarantine hit. Yeah, no!
The notifications continued... sometimes I answered sometimes I didn't...
The pop up continued... off and on... time... years... passing
April 2021 changed my life. I was positive for coronavirus. I was sick for 2 months. The same girl that once tried to take her life is now begging for her life.
I worked from home... I barely left the house... I barely leave the house... I knew how I got COVID. It was him, Trouble.
I wanted him to die.
He deserved to die, right? He hurt me and the price is death, right?
I, the mortgage underwriter remember I said I wanted to be a doctor but I wasn't a doctor, diagnosed him as a narcissist who deserved the death penalty for hurting me and every other woman before me (and after).
I knew my position in his life from the moment I met him. He never lied to me about who he was... only the things he did but the things he did were true to who he was. Character.
He would say "I'm not doing that". I would think, but you will... Truth is he never did...
Nope... That man knew from the moment he met me what it was... I chuckle, he loved saying that behind my back... or did he say that because who can you really trust?
I recall hearing about him sleeping with my friend(s).
Was the problem him or me? My answer today is Me. I didn't know what it was, now I know it was a lesson. I was showing up for the person I thought he would become because what I lacked wasn't material items. I've never lacked material items. I lacked loved.
Truth is I wasn't showing up... how can you show up when you aren't even yourself?
Chameleon
I belittled myself to a tool because I didn't love myself.
I thought I was missing out on love of a man (love from a man) because it had been so long since I felt the love of a man... The truth is I was missing out on life.
I was shortening my life... my life with the only person that I knew without a shadow of a doubt was dying. Correction DIED. ...no way you can keep this up, being true to the unknown because I for sure wasn't true to myself
Do I go? Do I stay? Off and on. Back and forth.
Coronavirus. It wasn't death but it felt like it... Trouble died the day I got the diagnosis.
I never looked back... until I did. Forgiveness. Admiration. Death.
I forgive myself for not loving myself enough.
I admire _ for "loving" himself.
Death as a spiritualist... TRANSFORMATION.
I hear my niece "not my monkey not my circus"
The journey to self-love. I write journey but I think amusement park...
The "mutuals" in my life couldn't/can't seem to understand how death works... I've had countless Lazarus moments... if you recall Lazarus was a friend of Jesus... Trouble never displayed characteristics of a friend to me so why raise him from the dead. I never discussed all of the things that happened between Trouble and I, including the things I did to him... but that shouldn't matter... I used to think if I didn't like someone my friends wouldn't like them either...
Loyalty.
Keep quiet.
I know the importance of both... and I know the importance of a person not having either.
If my family isn't loyal and don't defend how can I expect my friend to defend me?
I don't even want to face this truth right now... one thing at a time.
The Lord defends me... I do nothing.
It took over 2 years for me to smell again. I still have my life. God gave me another chance.
What he said - I want to make it count.
Love.
I spent my life doing things for others, things I didn't want to do hoping to receive love in return...
The only person I have ever in my life felt unconditional love from was my mother and even her love became conditional. I read that again. I stop. I think. ...I said, love is not hard forgiveness is.
Her love didn't become conditional. Her lifestyle changed. Her love for me never changed. I went from sharing her with her job to sharing her with my family, her family. I didn't like that. I wanted to be her 1st choice. I am her 1st born. Life...
Affirm: I am my own first choice.
I set so many expectations for people without setting any for myself.
It was never a competition, maybe a little unavailability but not a competition. She was never picking me over anyone else - just like I didn't pick someone over her that dreadful night in the hospital when I chose to come home and not stay with her... maybe it's time I forgive myself.
I will wait for you... like Drake I too cannot convince you that I love you for a living.
a queen is what I am
a king is what I need
to show me love the action
not to sex me up the reaction
yesterday I cried
because you lied
to me again
you called today
what did you expect me to say
how can I call you a loss
when you were so quick to toss
me to this side
I felt like I wanted to commit suicide
all these negative thoughts occupied
my mind
but then I started to be kind
to myself
and remembered my wealth
starts with my mental health
Love is unconditional.
Unconditional means not subject to any conditions.
Conditions mean the state of something with regard to its appearance, quality, or working order.
Love is unconditional.
My love is unconditional. I will love you as-is.
In sickness and in health.
However, I promise to love myself first.
The more I love me the more I know what love is...
I know when I love myself first I will attract those who love me
The more I love me the more I can show up godlike... loving those who love me
Spiritual Realm: God has always been first. God will always be first.
I shall follow His lead. In my life God is the head and everything else shall follow.
Physical Realm: I am first.
I am my mother's joy. I am my grandmother's joy. I am enough.
All along I was not showing up as Tikisha. I was showing up as the pick me girl. I did so many things I thought I would never do... It was as if I was constantly having outer body experiences because it's no way in hell Tikisha Banks was acting like this...
I had it all in 2016... a loving son, dog, family & friends, a nice home, two cars, designer bags, clothes... traveling, concerts, the list goes on and on
The American Dream, right?
I was that girl. I was raised as the that girl. I am that girl.
The girl of Egyptian, Irish decent trying to live the American dream... I was never meant to live the American dream. I was meant to live my dream.
I think about Natasha, That Girl from Detroit (a brand). The first company that hired me for virtual styling. Ironically, today I deactivated The Closet Piece on Instagram.
I didn't know I caused myself so much pain by belittling myself to a tool.
I was just like that lady in the YouTube video... in pain. I was that girl in pain who wanted those who hurt me to feel the same pain. Truth is I didn't want them to feel the same pain... I just wanted to feel loved and appreciated by those I loved and appreciated.
Heavenly Father,
Please forgive me for I have sinned.
many men have come into my life
not one has decided to make me his wife
I sit here waiting patiently to see
only to discover a wife I may never be
why do I yearn for this commitment
why do I live my days with resentment
can I be happy with what I have
or will I always stress about the wrong path
will I stop letting these sleep with me
release their semen in me
can I accept a princess is what I’m meant to be
instead of destroying my soul
I need to practice self control
a wife is what I say I want to be
but when I look in the mirror you know what I see
a slut, a hoe, a hooker, a tramp
not even worth a 2 cent stamp
body is full of semen
still not knowing loves true meaning
will love ever come my way
will I ever have my own wedding day
I need to love myself
care more about my health
and not be pressed about a man’s wealth
now my life is simple
I’ve discovered by body is a temple
I will not let a man define me
but I will ask the Lord to set my soul free
if a wife is what I am meant to be
the Lord will send that special man to me
but as I sit and wait
I’ve decided not to have sex on the first date
guys have come into my life
but the one is going to make me his wife
finally set free
all praises to The Most High who accepts me for me
This this is a lot. I need some time... Father God, save me.
I don't want a trauma bond. I want a spiritual healing bond. I need him to be more than just a Christian... saying you believe isn't enough, show me so I ask again - how does God talk to you?
I want someone to know my love languages... I want to know theirs... I want to come together
As a wife, my identity will become his... bible... but he must be worthy of becoming my lord... bible
He who finds me must be worthy of my identity as spiritualist, a daughter, a mother, a family member, a friend... an overthinker of small things an Olivia Pope of big things...
Proverbs 23:35 "They struck me, but it pained me not; they beat me, but I felt it not; when shall I awake to seek wine one again?"
Wine makes the drunkard insensible to bodily and moral harm. His one desire is to indulge again.
Don't give too much information... too much too soon
Magick, use wisely... it's not return to sender, who am I to render
It's harm to none, let God's will be done
I hear the callings talk to us but this time I talk back. Manifest.
Proverbs 23:18 for you will surely have a future, and your hope will not be cut off.
Kolorflow Conversations recorded 02/29/2024
Goals - Boundaries - Non Negotiables - Panic Attack - Anxiety - 549 - Ring - Lavender - Pink - Purple - Twin - Connected - Feeling - Valentine's Day - Viral - 14 - 12 - 214 - Golden Arches - McDonald's - The letter D - 2020 - Harp - Send - Invitations - Equal - Tune - Time - Holy Grail - Mustang - Corvette - Plane - Red - AF - As If - 313 - Peacock - 404 - Gemini - Twins - Queens - NEW - New Your - New York - YO - NYPD -
Psalm 45 - Even - Eve- Apple - Bite - Snow White
The Angel Numbers Book by Mystic Michaela
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