Chapter 48 Blind Faith ...dear diary

Surviving Pain by Tikisha Banks

Today June 14, 2024

I just read a quote that said: the coolest girls are the ones who stand up for each other

I didn't look it up so I don't know who said it but it made me think... hummmm... Yes, I agree and I realize sometimes that being quiet is the best way to stand up for someone... say nothing at all, nothing, just I rather not discuss them without them being in our presence

silence, silencing learning... my silent days are coming

Band & Bash ...let's not band together to bash another woman

venting never requires naming the parties involved, no identities required if the identities are required to get your story across as in for comprehension skills yeah you need to bypass the vent stage and go straight to The Most High but when it's family, blood relatives or not, it's hard for us yeah me too to vent and not reveal... but I've learned it's possible, first hand experience.

My silent days are here.

Present

Talk to God

Discernment

Then there are the times when you think it's a good idea and you go along with it to later find out it may have been a mistake... or was it... maybe it's a learning lesson... alignment... maybe the discernment was to make you think you had discernment but didn't and it still all worked out and it made your faith stronger... what if no matter what you did you always ended up where you were supposed to be? If the bible tells us He's making our paths straight, how are we ever going the wrong way?

Are we simply not reading the signs?

If I'm not reading the signs how do I get where I'm supposed to go?

Am I driving out of familiarity... I go this route all the time

Am I listening to the GPS so intently I don't even have it on alerts only

Am I listening to my music, GPS is on alerts only... I mean I may not know where I'm going but I'm familiar with the area that I trust I can listen to my favorite playlist and not miss a turn

Am I listening to my music, GPS is on alerts only still... it's not my favorite playlist but not the worse all my music I love I mean it's my music but I may get distracted if that one track comes on... nevertheless I am at my designation

the car rides with the passenger...the passenger that let's you miss your turn because they trust that you know where you're going, the passenger that let's you miss your turn because they want to see you fail and they are sitting right there next to you smiling, laughing, talking, allowing you to miss your exit not saying a word showing no emotion

Wolves. Sheep. It's always animals with me...

Petty Too. I am obsessed with a voice, that's crazy yo

Imma fuck her mama

I mean... I'm a mama age just not her mama, whoever her is

Imagination... use it sometimes

Always go with a gut feeling, I mean when you know you just know right? It's some stuff in your life that you just know, whether you want to admit it or not maybe you'll never admit it but the truth is the truth and you know it's the truth without a shadow of a doubt the truth

You see it was never hard for me to trust my intuition. I heard if it's hard to do it it's your intuition. I didn't understand that because if it's hard for me to trust me... me to tell myself what to do... how can I trust anyone else? You have to trust you first. I trust me first. Skeletons in the closet.

When Banks said that all I had was me, he was right. My brain works differently not incorrectly so here we are I just trust myself - The Most High has always been the head of my life, even back then in 12th grade, so He's first - then me. God has me... I have to work on my communication with Him because how do I know when He's talking to me? Isaiah 7:11 ask for sign and the conflict comes when you continue reading because Achaz says he will not tempt the Lord... my brain doesn't works like Achaz... I don't think me asking for a sign is tempting the Lord... it says let it be deep as the nether world or high as the sky so He knows me He knows sometimes the thoughts can be unpleasant, from a place of anger, confusion or whatever but he knows all thoughts are not high as the sky some are low... some for yourself are low... but He knows me the me I barely even know the hidden... the me behind the invisible veil... the me that shows certain parts to certain people... the me that is hiding in plain sight... the me who knew in her gut what she was told by the Holy Spirit... my brain conflicting more going back to Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not; in all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths. Be mindful, focus on something in the present moment... so I should always be trying to focus on God?!?!?!?

Always. Mindfulness. Meditation. Focus. God. Always.

I start thinking about the bible. The bible as a whole. It's not like God wrote the bible.

Stay with me... the bible, a journal... each book giving that person's experience... and King James, can I trust the interpreter... I most definitely need to connect directly and I mean directly to the Most High because my mind... It's brilliant. I mean I did graduate a year early... brilliance.

but not lab cut

original

authentic

imitated not duplicated

I realized. I was in my blind faith of life. The prison door unlocks... free. We're all set free.

The hurt. I had never felt pain like that before in my life and I never wanted to feel that type of pain ever again. How could I avoid that? I've been hearing about this God all my life. It's time I found out who this God is, for myself because I too want joy in the morning. What I didn't know was this God, my God was going to give me some of the toughest lessons of my life. I felt blind sighted, I could have never foreseen what was coming... in all of my premonitions I saw community. My community. My compound. Big Mama House. I got through the one thing I thought I could never get through. I did it and still have love. Community.

God put me in situations that no matter what amount of money I had it wasn't going to solve the problem... the problem was me, it was an inside thing. It all starts within... get the inside right and the outside seems to just fall into place. Happiness is now, not later, not when, not what, not even where... it's all of that... it's happening everywhere all at the same time, now.

Do you know how big that type of problem is if money can't solve it?

The answer will also depend on how you view money, money is not everything... but you need it for almost everything. Shit, life is expensive.

There is no amount of money that can fix a broken heart, a broken heart, a heart, love, broken

I had nothing else I could do - the TV shows weren't fulfilling, nothing was fulfilling, I just wanted, needed more, more distractions, but from what? Isn't it normal to just work, watch television and scroll social media? I mean it is, but for reasons unbeknownst to me it was no longer my normal. The social media sites would annoy me and my fav app TikTok well my FYP page is so rigged I don't even see trends anymore unless someone sends them too me... it simply has to be God, there cannot be any other explanation... I am being led to go straight to Him with any and everything to go to Him first and He will lead me but how will I understand Him if I can't ask for a sign?

Faith, knowing the sign is the sign without even ever wondering about a sign, simply knowing it's going to happen. Whatever "it" is...

Essential not Everything

Groupie

I think, always is a long time. God, I need signs. I made my request known. I mean He knows my heart, right? Karma, real. Consequences, real. I have no clue of what's to come, but what I do know is I want God to give me signs.

Jackpot.

117 Reverse

skeletons in the closet, remember that saying?

I remember the day I first heard that saying the lady said you’re pretty why don’t you model. I was shocked. I rarely if ever heard I was pretty. Was I pretty? I never opened my mouth to reply. However, my cousin did “she has skeletons in her closet”. Still, on today, I don’t know what skeletons she was referring too but I know I created some that day.

Insecurities. Does skeletons in the closet mean I’m not pretty? I can’t be a model? Yup, that’s it.

I’m not pretty.

it's 2024 they decayed

dust

the dust is seeping from under the closet

look down see the crack

all it takes is a crack in the foundation, your foundation, where you stand

for it to get out

and once it's out it walks with you

it's your shadow

I recall be the light not the shadow.

Hey, I ask, which did you see when you looked at me initially? my light or my darkness

you see everything isn't witchcraft or did the spell start with "skeletons in the closet"

seeping out

without a shadow

or a doubt

seeping out

without a shadow

or a doubt

following me

constantly

following me

Question is, does the dark ever leave the light? I mean, is that the reason it's a sun and a moon.

Light and Dark

Sunrise or Sunset? Both.

I have to get closer to The Most High God. I'm 48 with a vivid imagination... asking myself, am I going crazy? No, but just know that's what they are going to want you to think - She is crazy. I’ve heard it twice this week.

You control your thoughts. Your reality. Your future.

Checkmarks next to I will never do that but still did it.

I control my destiny.

I listen to God. I don't always trust God. I listen, but I don't always trust Him because if I did I would do what I was told. Isn’t that how trust works? You trust me right, they say… Have you ever been told to do something and you know you should do it but you don't and not saying somebody else told you to do something you told yourself... ever disobeyed your own damn self?

I'm an earth angel... I gotta trust God, always.

Mind on God.

Always.

Trust, surrendering allowing Him to lead me. Yes.

How can you ever expect somebody to be you when sometimes you can't even be you???

The decisions that are made and we betray ourselves... yes to them, no to us, us, ourself.

The goal is to be a lightworker. I'm always trying to work in my light. It doesn't always work out that way but I try, every single day. The more I work in my light the more I want a me, but that can't happen... it's only one me and that's what makes me special... I guess that's what's special about alignment, when it happens it just happens... you do things differently and it feels good

it's the times when it hurts

it hurts so bad

but is the pain for our good, the greater good in my mother's voice

Standards

Set standards

Boundaries

Position. Minimum requirements. It's not all about what I can do for the job, meeting their qualifications it's about the benefits - it's my life, what am I getting out of this? Is it worth it?

In the long run?

Literally, as a runner. I run into the sunken place, a lot.

Is it worth is?

Life is short is there even a tomorrow for any of us?

I need to change, today, immediately.

Jeremiah 29:11

Future. Hope. Now.

They smile in your face, the backstabbers...

I'm not bullying you, I'm challenging you. Be better. Full House. CC. Bloom.

When you have to have uncomfortable conversations, but what makes it uncomfortable?

Accountability? Admitting fault? Projecting. Maybe it's not even uncomfortable because you know your truth is simply that, your truth

it's not right it's not wrong but it's yours and theirs is well, theirs …I hear it again and again coexist

The managers I’ve hated

The salary I’ve loved

Truth: I'm watching Beaches and now The Vow, both on Amazon Prime

Blog, same day just in random orders

I scroll up and down and just plug in what I feel

I've learned to be okay with my weirdness

I gas me up. I hype me up. Toni Jones. Take up space sis!

I just know if I decide to cover my head 24/7 whether it's with a baseball cap or a hijab somebody is going to have something to say do I care kinda or I wouldn't have said anything - I mean truthfully how many times do you start talking about something that you absolutely do not care about??? Rarely, if ever. - I care, but I'm still committing to this... slowly.

I remember Spirit told me to Google 111

1 Corinthians 11 KJAAE

Do it become a woman to pray to God uncovered?

I thought I pray to God all day. All day. You ever talk to yourself? Yeah, me too but not really you see I'm not talking to myself I'm talking to God. You see He's my friend, He's going to remind me yes you do need milk nope put that back you know you don't need those jeans... It's Him, The Most High God, He's always been here with me.

111

Signs & Synchronicities

This is my confirmation it's time for me to cover my head. I think of how I need a retwist. My pay ahead a time appointment had been canceled without a refund... I haven't worked in 8 months a $85 per head appointment and it's one two of us yeah, every penny counts even when it’s not my penny. His penny, our penny. Patience. You know the transaction won't be processed on the same day so just relax.

Just know what is owed to you, you get it.

The good and the bad... manipulation.

a nice hot bath, sitting in dirt

literally

a spiritual bath, I think of the dirt in the tub... rising from the tub, I wonder if some of the dirt remains on my body, dirt doesn't stick to water so where does it go... is all of it off of my body?

The dirt that stays does it get wiped off with the towel or has it been absorbed in my skin...

Fertilized. I rise out of the mud. The dirt. Bloom. Spring. Sprung.

The lotus tattoo on my neck.

You see I think it's no negative karma on, for, to anybody

I, Tikisha, repent of my sins

everything

I know me, I know how I can be, Tikisha is a muthafucka... don't be fooled, ever

every night I repent

every day I try to reform

aren't we all praying for forgiveness and to forgive others, to let go, to be happy

The Lord’s Prayer because even the Lord knows we don’t know how the pray, biblical words not mine

I wake up happy because I haven't held anything from yesterday into today

it's a new day, new opportunities

calmness, peace

every decision I made was the right decision for me at that time, no regrets

forgiven maybe even forgotten

because why have regrets, why worry... negative emotions breed sickness and disease

release, breath, meditate

because all things not some but all things work out unto good, for those who according to his purpose, are saints through his call

I believe I am one of those saints, yup I do

I'm not perfect ("till this day" pops up in my head till this day) but to see my own life change before my own eyes

it had to be Him

I mean who else could it be?

Wisdom. She.

The KJVAAE version says for this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels.

Power. I'm a woman so I feel like I know what power means... my man is coming.

I lie to myself. I never want to love again.

I be honest with myself. I never want to hurt again.

Love, well love is a wonderful thing. I think of my son. The one person I have always loved unconditionally. I am sure we've hurt each other feelings over the years but this is my story - being mindful... new practices implemented... selective of what is shared, be honest and transparent but not intimate. My side - My son has hurt my feelings, intentionally and well not even known times too... like when he doesn't buy me chocolate... and for me both are painful, even more painful when you're dealing with suppressed trauma. I used to believe all love was unconditional love, but it's not or is it - people treat you how you allow them to treat you

When they hurt you, not the misunderstanding or prideful, ego hurt but the deliberate on purpose hurt... that hurt, the hurt when you expected better... invested love, that hurt... it's pain like no other the unconditional love allows you to keep going sometimes without even having a conversation...

love, unconditional

love, unconditional

love, unconditional

I keep thinking what does unconditional mean to me? It’s something about that word I’m starting not to like while it’s being associated with love.

Life is conditional, we all have one condition - fulfillment of agreement - that’s going to be met: Death.

Life is conditional.

The word is everlasting. Love is everlasting. I have everlasting love, with conditions. The love never stops. True love doesn't stop. How do you turn off love? The love stays, everlasting but the conditions change - I may not allow you in my life anymore. I love you, you made me feel as though I was not loved, doesn't matter to me how or what you were thinking because I just care about myself... me... and I am/was was/am hurt... the conditions to how I allow you in my life change... I still love you... I'm just not nurturing that love like I once was...

My love is everlasting.

Cups Pour Pouring Overflow Gush

I learned a very long time ago how to coexist.

I've been placed in uncomfortable situations by people I love, by people that knew they were putting me in an uncomfortable situation. I know how to coexist.

I've also learned co-existing doesn't have limits I can remove myself and we're still co-existing in this big ass universe... the people you used to see on a regular basis and now you don't ...pause... think about the men you date, the ones you've never seen again, the ones you forgot even existed... alignment ...and then there are the others, the ones you love, you miss, you wonder about, love, everlasting

Damn, it's not one that I even have an inkling of... blank. Nobody.

I saw aloud "Goddess you need a man" I mean nobody. I've always had one that I missed. At least I thought I did. Nobody.

I've hit reset. Singing, like a virgin.

What are you going to do if he doesn't come? This! Write... and keep talking about him all while living my best in the moment life that I can live

life is short, real short

all I have is now, right now

love, my love is everlasting

I'm watching Million to One on Amazon Prime

Parents love how they were loved

they just talked about the rapper Future, called him a dummy (cause of his name)

I ain't like that, didn't find that funny

and I think the you're fake like this birkin bag lady has a bag is in this movie too

it looks like her writing, you make the bag

What is your favorite song? I think to myself, I don't have one. I can hear my friend, yeah...

I need a theme song.

You see I see him as the one with the power, not that I'm powerless I just know he's powerful.

I feel safe, protected in his arms... water, I feel like water, weightless, gush because he is taking care of everything

and I mean everything

This is why I talk to God all the time because my mind goes to all kinds of places from reading the Bible. The Bible. Nope, I'm not going to hell.

Veiling.

Cover your head.

Power, KJVAAE meant "that is, a covering, in sign that she is under the power of her husband.”

Alignment.

Confirmation. I'm changing. I'm evolving. I'm getting ready for my power, my future husband.

Soft life.

or maybe that’s just my imagination talking

I’m ready to hear from God always.

I am and will be obedient to what I’m told to do no matter how hard it is, I’ll do it. I’ll do it for you, my God.

I wrap my head. It doesn’t matter who or what is coming or isn’t coming as long as God is with me now, right now. My best life is now.

Wisdom

Covering

Prayer

Covering

fuel, engine, roar

key, turn, button, push

power may start it but amongst other things, gas keeps it going

low fuel light, engine light, still driving

move slower

pay attention

it's right in front of your face

the answers

I love an old school car. I think of the dedication.

The dedication to keeping it running. Running.

Runner.

A dedicated loved one.

When you have nothing else you have faith, stand on faith ...it'll lead you, spirit-led

I remember, dowry... my worth ...I know my worth.

I attract what's aligned with me.

Again what am I going to do if he doesn't come? Write.

Ding. Covering. Chicago. Covering in Chicago. When you pray for those you've never even met just because the person you know, loves them. Love, everlasting.

The prayers of women. I think of how wisdom is referred as she in the bible. She. She is me.

Wisdom. Prayer Warriors. Praying Mothers. Praying mothers coming together. Sisterhood.

I still believe in sisterhood.

If you ever get a 2nd chance at love, love, everlasting love take it no hesitation!

Love is powerful, the universal tool that populates the world... in this moment, I can only think of my love of chocolate. I need some ice cream.

Love, with love comes forgiveness

the thing about love, it's different, it's individualized

it's not one size fit all

it's not the same rules apply to every person

love is singular trying to become plural

am not, ain't... singular plural

ain't was added to the dictionary, wasn't always there

it was formed and now it's there forevermore

Love is a lot more than love languages, because even those change or intertwine

It's most certainly patience and forgiveness.

Forgiveness

Forgiving the unforgiven

I think of my mother, rest in peace. Rest in power.

the other day 4:04pm Female Cardinal

Clock Number 404. K-Mart. The Big K. The last time.

What does your life look like with your husband?

What are you doing?

Let's say it's Thanksgiving are you cooking dinner? I want to say yes I am cooking dinner but the real me the right now me truthful me in the moment knows she as in I cannot cook a Thanksgiving dinner. I haven't cooked in years. I can cook though, let's be clear but I haven't in so long and that felt good. The simple things. I didn't even realize I loss some weight from not cooking.

Weight

Burdens

It's really something I never want to have to do again, ever. I want a chef and I would love for my husband to be able to cook even if it's just breakfast food cause I love breakfast food especially for dinner. I guess I ain't doing anything to be able to cook Thanksgiving dinner - no recipes, no practice rounds, nothing... maybe I need to rethink this cooking goal because right now I'm doing nothing to prepare for him except accepting that cooking is something I will not be doing.

We’re more than just cooks and cleaners, right?

Absolutely yes!

You know how you want him to be for you but do you know how you want to be for him

I think of things I want to bring into my life... let's say a garden... I've never had plants or flowers before and I picture a whole flower garden... be real... well, I'm preparing...

I want to be his flower

I want to be his flower

I want to be his flower

I watch him grow

I watch parts of him wither

I am his flower

I am his flower

I am his flower

I try to understand that sometimes he won't have time so I make it quick

but sometimes I lose focus I get lost in the sensation of the water flowing through the flower pot and overflow

I watch him bloom

I watch him bloom

I watch him bloom

I watch parts of him wither

Bloom. Ephesians 5 a disciplined man.

Protector. Provider. Preist …loving me, me as Christ love the church

Boulder. Harry Winston. Trend.

Can't you can't wait for a safe love or is it just me?

Be honest

I want love in all of my encounters, all male & female

Kindness is love.

Kind. Patience. Love.

Hard up? Nope, but when you see what you see...

You see the high-powered corporate position - hard up? nope

same

I see my life just how I see it... I see beyond the now.

The ability to focus on the now while seeing beyond the now.

I know who I am. I am comfortable with who I am. I will never be too old to learn new things, new perspectives. Change. Evolve. I will never be too old for correction, to correct to be corrected. I will never be too old to admit my faults. I will always admit my truth. I understand that my truth is only my truth.

Love is Love.

Truth. Jury.

I guess if everybody's truth were "the truth" we'd be all the same…

Same story

Same outcome

Told from different perspectives

Life

Justice

How do you see your life?

What if the imagination was real?

The very first step to reality is through your imagination.

What would it do for your soul to give yourself a few moments in the day to relax open your bible read a little think of God's promises that we've all be told culturally at one point or another nothing is impossible

if nothing is impossible, then everything is possible

everything

What are you doing right now? Reading. No coincidences.

a lot of things you don't know, until you know even at this big ass age

Bridge. Sister signs. Balance. Water. Fireplace. Laptop. Apple. Tea. Cozy. Happy.

Elevator bottom up

Tuxedo Cat to balance light and dark.

Crane Fly to transform within.

Spider to use personal power.

Reading the encyclopedia - the early Christians associated cats with witches, and the devil was often depicted in the form of a black cat.

IYKYK Mable

I start thinking even more... witchcraft, it said to be when you worship the devil.

What craft is it when you worship God?

When you know that... pause... when you act from your lower self, evil spirit... the devil... like we do spiteful things, we're human... is that witchcraft? I mean we say "that's the devil" when someone does something we consider bad... so again, is it witchcraft? is doing bad equal to worshipping the devil? what's bad?

Now I'm scared. This fucking black cat. The cat distribution system.

It was too much evil. Did I invite the evil in? Was I being misled?

Did I run away the balance? Balance.

I hear Prince... come back baby come back.

I have so many thoughts in my brain. I guess I do overthink. I just overthink thinking, who knew that was even a thing. Overthinking shit that doesn't even make sense.

This is why I need The Most High God to lead me, my teacher. Life is my school. I make mistakes and the teacher grades my paper - she corrects me, shows me what I did wrong so I won't do it again - she teaches it so well the first time, no mistakes. She is wisdom and the grading system is life or death. Running. Running out of time.

Have I said this before? Wisdom “she” in the Bible.

She

Female

this is why a man needs to find a wife, the right wife… she’ll be his wisdom

Witch Magician Both Neither

He died and rose 3 days later

No weapon formed against me shall prosper, the tattoo read down my back

...the truth I finally believe

pessimistic to optimistic, for now... balancing light and dark

Blind Faith

Water. Cleanse.

Are you new here? I always wonder does it make sense because I write out of order and just find places to plug in info.. Typos, because I'm a lazy human.

Did I say I watched Idea of you, Beaches, The Voe, Million to One or was it Million in One and now Vanity... this is enough TV to last me for the month

Black Love, Happy Endings = Alexandria House I've read 3 of her books so far, 3 as in this week

ok ok listened to, audiobooks and I'm not a fan of audiobooks but her elite writing skills I'll listen

I'm just a sucker for healing and loving.

I start thinking about the cats. AGAIN!

It's 12:49am, a new day.

Where did the grey cat go?

Spiritual Surveillance.

Quit before you start? Don't start what you don't intend to finish.

Not too much on my girl

I release all things. The eyes don't lie... wolf. sheep. Dominion.