B I N G O

Bingo was his name O who remembers that song?

Today June 11, 2024

The lovebirds (cardinals) are here. I watch them feed each other, mouth to mouth.

I remember wanting love and marriage.

Once upon a time I was a girl's girl. I embraced sisterhood. I even came up with this idea to have a sister circle. This past weekend I organized an event - and the "sister circle" attended drag queen bingo.

Why I just look up and see a bird flying and shitting at the same time... ever have days when you feel like you've just been shitted on? It's how I felt Saturday.

Have you ever jumped out of a moving car before? No. Well I have... do not recommend.

My depression wasn't so functional that day... blacking out, only thinking about how I just wanted to stay home and go to sleep so I said I'm getting out of the car now... fortunately, we weren't moving at full speed but nevertheless my knee is scraped up, bruised thigh, and sore shoulder.

Adult stupidity or mental instability? You decide.

I keep thinking I really did spaz out on my friend, for being the person I know her to be... with my son being in ear shot... all bad... the thing about love is having the ability to look past emotions in the moment. I love her for loving me in spite of my behavior. Loving someone isn't always easy...

Wait, loving me is not always easy.

Love is not always unconditional or is it?

When you love a person do you ever stop loving them?

If you do, did you ever love them to begin with?

What the fuck is love?

It's feeling I feel when I see my son, even at his big ass age of 29. It's the feeling of knowing no matter how mad I may get at him I always want him in my life. It's the feeling I feel when I eat chocolate. It's the feeling I feel when I see those I love smile. It's the feeling of looking at the lake, better yet the ocean. It's the feeling I feel when I feel appreciated. It's the feeling I feel when I hear good music. It's feeling the sunrays on my skin. It's the feeling I felt today when I opened that Amazon package... who sent me the evil eye bracelet? Thank you, thank you for the bracelet but thank you for knowing what mine breaking meant to me... for taking the initiative to replace it... for caring so much about me to care about the things I care about...

Crying

I can hear Kim saying I'm going to dehydrate

I cry a lot. I watched Gifted today and I cried so hard. Love, to me, is about showing up... simply being there whether in the physical or in spirit. Love, to me, is knowing when to not show up... when the two street turns into a one way. Love is balance. Love is give and take. Love is love.

Currently, I am surrounded by 5 mourning doves. I get sad... my ass... too many damn emotions. I think of Mabel ass eating the mourning dove. The 5 could possibly be 6.

#5 is associated with change

Mourning Doves represent peace, love, friendship, forgiveness

back to bingo...

I remember scanning the room. The familiar faces and the unfamiliar faces 16 of us gathered together on "National Best Friend's Day" all from one invite sent back in April. Gratitude.

Dear Sister Circle,

Thank you for showing up on Saturday. I am embarrassed about my behavior... or I should say lack of behavior.

I was overly emotional so I was unable to fully enjoy myself.

I was thinking which is better or is there a better -

the person who pretends nothing is wrong

the person who shows something is wrong

I wonder if those same ladies would show up for another event or if they are thinking this chic is crazy... who cries at their own event? Whew... no need to overthink. I remind myself "at the end of the day the day is going to end" "it is what is it" but more importantly each day I trust God that my life is always aligning with and for my higher self, even on my bad days my higher self is surrounded by love. I stand on ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD!

I am surround by love.

I love me. I love me through all of my emotions.

I am an emotional being.

I am reminded that I am human.

I am reminded that every day is a first.

I accept me for who I am.

I am forever changing.

I have setbacks but I am always being setup for greatness.

Today is today... tomorrow is tomorrow... all I have is now

I hear the infamous phrase - don't look like what you are going through... but why not? What are we hiding? Why do we live in a world where we need to hide our emotions?

We "allow" our girls to cry but tell our boys to toughen up.

A dragonfly. Transformation.

I think of my neighbor telling me he has 4 months until he retires. The American Dream... work, die.

the moon to my left the sun to my right

when I first came outside I was feeling a bit uptight

now I'm relaxed and I'm not even on that relax

I look up... the pollen, so much it looks like it's snowing

I dip into my imagination

snow in the summer

sun shining bright, warmth

snow in the summer

I dip into the future

a secret friend... I remind myself of times I have been a secret

never again

snow in the summer

secret vs private

a private life, a gated community, my very own compound, waterfront, greenhouse, gardening

snow in the summer

I look up... the hawk or maybe it's an eagle but it soars

of all the birds I love seeing it the most... flying high, free, the view from the sky

snow in the summer

I dip into the future

not knowing... better days are on the horizon, even when it feels dark the moon is behind you

Mother Moon above me, supporting me

the lovebirds are back, the more I watch them feed one another or maybe it's him feeding her

it doesn't matter they are together, in sync

it's no I remember

love

I want love

a butterfly

snow in the summer

I watch closely, I still can't tell who's feeding who as they both have food in their mouths

they fly away, going separate ways

I dip into the future

competition... flashback, they flew away when the sparrow came

snow in the summer

late nights and the fire pit, surrounded by support

uplifting one another

one eye open and one eye closed, pay attention you might miss something

I dip into the future

the prototype, love again

I ask if I'm on the right track

what's for me is for me but what is for me

the fly comes to spy

cross watcher, someone is interested in me

a pisces sun scorpio rising scorpio moon

pisces intuitive high priestess

scorpio transforming death

snow in the summer

the clouds, not clouds, pollution from the plane

I dip into the future

compromise, effective communication

nobody is perfect we all have faults

we all have different expectations, said and unsaid

reminding myself my feelings are valid

the fly comes to spy

I dip into the future

what's understood is simply that understood

keeping my standards high, choices reveal character

not caring what others think of me, call me weird

reading, learning... myself for myself

colors, pinks and blues, roses, nightlight, stars, globe, riding the white horse

playing victim, growth, responsibility

sleepless night, unhealthy

judgmental, being open-minded

mountains, climbing, valley, peaks, progress

attention, jealously, never dimming, shining

the sun is to my right the moon well I can no longer find it

snow in the summer

I've determined that I am expecting me from others

and that's ok

my truth

if you can't give me me then I'll give you you

think of how I've showed up for you

think of how you've showed up for me

what goes around comes around, as you sow you shall reap, actions dictate consequences, past predict the future, taste of your own medicine, bad things should happen to bad people, make your bed and lie in it, every ending is a new beginning

no pain gain, aligned soul tribe please stand up

I've had my bra on for over 12 hours. It's time I let loose.

I always get what I want, but I often wonder if the cost is worth it. It is, peace is priceless.

Cobra by Megan Thee Stallion

Who tried to stop it? Yes, I'm very depressed.

Bitches will die to be me.

Why do I write... to put my pain out of sight. No handouts. No holding back.

It's up.