Stay ;

I'd rather just go

Today, April 22, 2024

rollercoaster, no elevators

up and down

I want off of this ride

I hate it here

said I wanted to do 100

but I'm okay with 48

can't remember much

not many happy memories

memories of making others happy

very few of others making me happy

only you can make yourself happy, it's an inside job

you can make yourself unhappy by neglecting yourself

do unto others as you want them to do unto you will get you used...

allow people to show you how to treat them

allow people to show you how to treat them

I used to give a fuck, now I don't

funny how most people are just holding on, trying not to crack but they literally think someone else is sitting around thinking about them

uninfluenced

releasing to heal... no releasing to die... no transforming left in me... I am who I am

the functioning depressed girl

living in my truth

releasing to be heard... God are you there? Pick me. I keep saying I'm ready.

It's like the trick is let me give you a little... you get me excited for more... then you bail

no direction

.....................................the path, direction........................ where am I going????

Why are you bailing on me? Maybe it's me. Maybe I think you're bailing but you're here.

SAY SOMETHING

silence

Why are you silent when I need you the most?

Am I being punish? Maybe I thought I was a good person... maybe my memory has allowed me to forget how shitty of a person I am? Is life happening to me or for me?

The devotion today was about death. It said something like... God does not choose when we die, that what we say with our tongue affects how long we live.

Well... my tongue is tired of talking. My hands are tired of typing.

I've had countless experiences of asking God to just take me now... and I'm still here.

I believe it to see it. What am I believing again?

Death. I'm believing in death but I keep waking up...

What do you do when what brings you happiness is the same thing that is causing you pain?

Adulting

Mortgage... lights, gas, water, alarm

Telephone... why... I don't want to talk to anyone anyway

Student loans... mine, his, no accredited degree in sight

Credit cards... stupidity, no words

6 months, unemployed

money runs out

$84

no food

no appetite

I hear her say "gotta eat to live" well mama... I'm okay, living is overrated.

jealousy, envy, greed

Happiness found in the simple things, but those "simple things" are not "real life"

no longer feeding the birds...

no water for Mable...

no sunlight... room darkening curtain...

the sunken place, comfortable I'm used to it here... it pulls me in deeper and deeper

invisible now and later

I remember being scared of the sunken place, the darkness... little did I know it was preparing me for my future

darkness

I ask God... by morning can I just be a corpse

silence, another day of wait and see

they'll miss me but not for long... life goes on

save your cries and/or wellness checks

sympathy ... take your cape off, you can't fix me

silence ... don't notify anyway

solitude ... as above so below

Right?

What's above and is this below?

I can't go any lower than this...

I've been asking this same question all year - How am I supposed to hear from God?

I try hard to climb out of the sunken place but when I look around I get lost, confused, not sure which way to go... see in the sunken place, you don't need directions you just simply sit there

rot

The Sunday sermon - The call to follow Jesus

Matthew 4:18-20

change your direction, change your duties, change your desires, change your destiny

direction - duties - desires - destiny

trust Jesus, the navigation... he won't get you lost

trust Jesus, the instruction

trust Jesus, sovereignty

Can you explain that again? it sounded so good, I took a lot of notes, wrote down a few scriptures but on this Monday night I still don't know anything about: direction - duties - desires - destiny

Is depression the cause of a malfunctioning navigation? Pastor said trust Jesus and he won't get me lost... I am certain that right now in this moment, I am LOST

lost and not found

keep going round and round

looking for something that is not there

I was taught to believe in prayer

look at the birds in the air

they do not worry about what to eat

but at my table there is no meat

I retreat back to bed

the thoughts in my head

of death not life

not a wife

but a daughter, sister, mother, aunt, cousin, friend

for them I pretend

and they don't even comprehend...

betraying myself portraying as someone else

the depressed girl ready to leave this world

life is what you make it

I sit and think about that for a bit

maybe they were all right multiple personalities, split

you know if you publish this it makes it real

conceal vs reveal