988

In today's episode of I will rattle off whatever is going on in my brain thinking that releasing it is helping or the new age word we love - healing.

What exactly am I healing? What's broken?

Does a person heal or do they learn how to cope?

When you break something is it ever the same again?

When life is happening to you how do you praise God?

I see so much about how good God is when life is happening for you…

Talk to me about life happening to you

Talk to me about losing your home with no place to go

Talk to me about losing your six figure job starting over at McDonald's and having to walk to work

Talk to me about never learning from your mistakes

Talk to me about accountability

talk to me about repeated cycles

not even generational

but the cycles you've allowed to repeat in your own life

the men you've allowed to come back into your life

the females you won't allow back into your life

the family you were never there for

the family you want to be there for you

the selfishness

the selflessness

I see the comments thank you for being transparent… truth is you can see me clearly because I only know how to be me

I don’t morph into others

I don't follow trends I set them

I’m simply me, malfunctioning on my own

I hear the thoughts too, the unspoken words

you can’t fix what’s not broken

… continuously healing from the pain of being a human being

healing not healed

living my entire life in secret

so many versions of me but yet only one me

so many versions of me but yet only one me

from skeletons in the closet to bodies in the backyard

giving until I can’t give

time to close the books, no appointments available

…being able to do something for someone that you can’t even do for yourself… lifting someone’s spirits… regularly

continuously fighting for my life

this life, one that’s not so great

We love the "it could be worse"

grow up! this is worse

I don’t write the words thinking if I don't write them they won’t become true

the sunken place, my safe space

it's dark, I can sleep

no appetite so lack of money for food doesn't matter

alone, but not lonely

the sunken place, my safe space

but for how long....

I often think of the lady I met in Target how she cried in my arms… a stranger. Do you know how emotional you have to be to cry to a stranger while you’re at work?

I ask God - why me? What made her cry to me?

tattoos

the death of her mother

the death of my mother allowed me to have sympathy

not understanding

simply sympathy

How can you understand something another person is feeling??? When most of us are hiding who we really are in the shadows...

the sunken place, my safe space

is being threatened by job loss

shelter

I feel weak. Hopeless. Wait. Correction.

STUPID

Girl, you just gotta push through. Why?

I don’t push through. Push by definition includes “force”. I’m not forcing anything anymore ever.

Force doesn't even belong in my life.

Why are we taught to push through?

Why is everything about the USA not free or brave?

Girl, you aren't the only one?

Okay.... so let's have a stadium size event for people who've fucked up their life. Repeatedly.

Fun times. It's a celebration.

Words. Useless words.

I lay here in my room alone.

Still waking up

Still asking God what am I supposed to do

I hear life going on around me while mine is slowly stopping. The end of my road is near.

America is successfully pushing poverty

America… my worse nightmare

Signed, the ignorant proud American

There are many aspects to success; material wealth is only one component but success also includes good health, energy and enthusiasm for life, fulfilling relationships, creative freedom, emotional and psychological stability, a sense of well-being, and peace of mind.

- Deepak Chopra

Enthusiasm for life I laugh chile what's that

no seriously what is that?

I wake up happy then life starts

I wake up happy then life starts

I wake up happy then life starts

Maybe I’m happy because I’m not fully awake yet... I don't see my surroundings... believing all my needs are met when in reality I haven’t eaten in five days...

life has started

life changes my perspective on everything

Live for today

Stay focused

but on what? a job? bills? what is living?

Snap back baby

your higher self needs you…

Plants

Let me get high… it’s not even noon yet

will it numb the pain or intensify it

You’re here because of your choices

Choose better

… it’s too late

the hole is so deep

the future is meek

I try to fall asleep

weed unisom and melatonin

for the win

lovin this potion

feeling like I’m floating in the ocean

waves motion

rain soaking

wet drowning in debt

thinking about playing Russian roulette

one shot and it’s over

closure registered donor

the energy in the organs of a stoner

my soul goes on a stroll

I have no control

of what I’m able to see

me uninfluenced by society

me not being made fun of for being ugly

me living life happily

if only this were my destiny

I wish I had the recipe to build a legacy

an opportunity to experience serenity

gravity is saying gimme

it’s pulling me down steadily

the intensity of my anxiety

not a junkie or a zombie

more like a rookie

can’t figure this out for the life of me

literally

the life of me

I hear her say what do they know me for

for giving up

but when I was silent they weren’t there to pick me up

no check up or catch up

I’m only relevant when I’m their back up

don’t run up now with your tears

asking questions, questionnaires

my words haunt you, nightmares

in your defense I always knew we were never on the same wavelength

you’re impressed by an AMEX and a Rolex

I’ll take a Timex

as long as I have my own address

worried about the next event, impress

worried about my mortgage payment, assets

I obsess over the mistakes I’ve made in the past

it’s like a cloudy overcast that last and last

I feel harassed by the memories

grieving the old me bullying the new me

I’m almost a 1/2 a century

this can’t be what life is supposed to be

yesterdays, yesteryear

I can no longer persevere

I’m ready for a new atmosphere

I interfere with God’s plan I volunteer

take me up outta here

Do I struggle with loving life because I wasn’t born to love life…

was I born out of love

or was it just cause

is love even real

how does it feel

can you touch it

can you see it

can you smell it

can you hear it

can you taste it

love doesn’t matter

all of the love I’ve experienced has been a disaster

they say money is the root of all evil

but without it life is lethal

it’s vital for survival

my life is a joke bad choices the voices

afterlife the true prize visualize paradise

fight flight or freeze

but does paradise only come if you fight?

I surrender

no fight left in me

noone ever fought with me

noone ever fought for me

flights going up

I'm staying down

down bad I wanna be okay

feeling lower than the ground

not moving freeze

frozen stuck in passing time

offense vs defense

Roscoe Jenkins RJ Stevens type shit

entire team of me

family related by birth

rarely there when you need them

always there when they need you

I started the fire so I don't yell help

learning how to play the cards I've been dealt

one player game

so I'm to blame

too old to say my parents or trauma sounds like drama

maybe this is my karma

the lowest of the low so I call on Jehovah Jireh, the Lord will provide

in spite of my back slide

wanting to commit suicide

it seems easier to face the grim reaper

staying feels like being a people pleaser

do I go or do I stay

gateway doorway pathway

runaway hideaway castaway

straightaway I breakaway

my mind is in disarray

it is what it is sounding so cliche

stay focused this is just a delay

tomorrow is another day

slay girl slay or decay girl decay

and I ain't talking teeth this melody

is bigger than a cavity

it's a story of tradegy

will I have the ability to face my reality

will my reality fuck up my mentality will my mentality be defined as insanity

... even though you may feel alone

there is a community of strangers to support you

seek the help you need

Suicide Prevention

dial 988