reflecting, growing ...sorting jumbled thoughts

Today

October 31, 2024

jumbled thoughts

He taught me to be silent

Mirror

she always moves in silence

something I’ve always admired about her

I moved in silence today

until

I didn’t move in silence today

I learned a lesson

I learned how to communicate

without hurt

with mutual respect

I learned to let go

I learned it isn't always about

me

I learned me…

whenever I wonder about something Spirit has already told me my answer

and in my case it’s the devil trying to tempt me

you see sometimes we have to check ourselves

after 48 years being me

I didn’t know

me

I knew no one could understand my pain

I didn’t understand my pain

I had to start somewhere

so I started with

me

why was like I was

am

who knew me better than myself

my creator

the leaves are falling

but next year “if Lord’s will” we’ll see new leaves

sometimes we too have to die to ourselves

and become new

my body quivers all over am I cold or is this something else

I grab a sweater and start the fire

I think of all my heart’s desires

I reflect on times just like this, moments of peace

I think of the stillness in me

but I feel the movements in the trees

some may call it the wind

to me it's voice within

a leafhopper landed on me

a red bellied woodpecker walked past me

and a rabbit did too

Hallelujah!

the pain that was inside of me

I told the devil to flee

I moved slower

I unjumbled my thoughts

I thought of what really mattered to me

it was me

my family

the heartbroken others

my sisters and brothers

what was my purpose

We don’t come for the house, car, clothes

We don’t come for the titles

We come for community

but what is community doing to me

God’s community

2 by 2

the story goes that Lilith was Adam’s first wife

…I wonder

so many questions

so many biblical stories left untold

either way we know the universal symbol is

Adam & Eve

so Adam then Eve

What do we come for?

Is it to be servants of the Lord?

the first unbroken rule was with man and God

I honor him in everything that I do

at least I try to

to surrender to Him

to listen to Him

to follow Him

I was confused I didn’t know how to live without my mother… even when I didn’t listen

to her instructions

to her advice

to her love

I hear no risk no reward

assuming there is more time

my salvation is not worth the risk

consider this...

if God tells me to do "this" I'm going to do "this"

sacrificing my relationship with him is not an option

to survive you have to adapt

to change

my mustard seed

my tiny bit of faith in Him

my memories of synchronicities

the

that couldn’t have been nothing but God

moments, the miracles

kept me going

keep me going

but never 2 steps back only ahead

I may stop walking even go at a slower pace

but I’m not going backwards

salt, turn around

they said that in school for a reason

turn around

turn your life around

my mustard seed keeps me humble

it keeps my ego in check

it makes sure I slow down

process my thoughts

so I can hear Him to honor Him

life and death

death and life

Her death lead me to a new me

the me that was on the inside

the me that others saw but I didn’t

I slowed down

I heard the birds chirping

I watched the squirrels dig

I noticed the wind

then I began, to interpret

I didn’t do this before

I didn’t have an appreciation before

an appreciation for life

my life

the one

the one I tried to kill so many times

casual sex (unmarried), drugs, alcohol, anger, envy, greed....

what did giving my life to Christ look like

being silent

allowing myself to receive

realizing I was draining myself with the amount of giving

I was

giving

not always receiving

learning boundaries

learning dedication

talking to the voice in my head

yes talking to the voice in my head

taking my power back

not being ashamed

embracing what works for me

signs & synchronicities

is how the Lord speaks to Me

I'm never without faith

even if it's only a mustard seed

today I walked on water...

it splashed